Feedback Takes Practice on Both Ends

If you want to give good, timely, constructive feedback you have to work on it. If you want to get better at receiving it you’ll have to work on that too.

Giving and receiving feedback is difficult. You have to be self aware and perceptive regarding others. You need to know your hot buttons and not trigger those of the person sitting across from you.

Previously I described an employer who was fighting a losing battle. He wanted to provide his employees timely, truthful feedback but couldn’t because 1. He wanted to be liked more than he wanted to be honest and 2. He was afraid of the angry response his candid feedback would provoke.

He wanted to come across as strong, not controlling; compassionate, not folding; understanding not forgiving; valued, not vilified. He got so tied up in all that he wanted to be that he lost sight of the underlying issue: the employee wasn’t performing at a level commensurate with her salary, title, and responsibilities. It was his job to tell her.

So he did what many otherwise successful managers do, he avoided the person and the problem. That gambit appeared to work until the original predicament, once so easily defined, had morphed into something much bigger; something that involved more people, more opinions, and more frustrations. It had tempers flaring and employees leaving.

Avoiding doesn’t work. What does?

Facing facts. Responsible managers provide direct feedback that’s tough on the problem and easy on the person; direct feedback that’s timely and solution focused; direct feedback that invites the parties involved to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Responsible managers remember that body language counts; that we are remembered more for how we say what we say, than the words we choose to use. Responsible managers confirm their understanding of what they hear and how they hear it rather than assume they understand the meaning and the intent.

They avoid words or expressions that over-state, sound accusing or judgmental (“You always…!” “You never…!” “You shouldn’t…!). Instead, they begin with facts, follow with feeling, invite response, create options, and provide frameworks for resolution.

For example:

(Facts) “Our weekly update meetings are held each Tuesday morning at 10:00 a.m. For the last two weeks you’ve arrived fifteen minutes late.”

(Feeling) “When you come in late I feel as though you don’t value what we working to accomplish.”

(Invite response) “I hope you will be candid in our discussion as we identify what the issues are…

(Create options) …and find a solution that will work for you, me and for the team.”

In developing a framework for resolution, focus on one issue, not several.

Take the time it takes. Although you might see the issues as straightforward and the resolution blindingly obvious, there’s always another side to the story. Choose to hear it now or never hear the end of it later.

Let the other person speak without interruption. No matter how intuitive you think you are and how quick you believe yourself to be, if you interrupt, and then interrupt again, thinking you know where they’re going, you’ll derail the potential for mutual understanding, gain, and successful outcome.

Turnover is expensive. If personnel issues aren’t honestly addressed in a timely way, turnover triggers more turnover.  If you insult, diminish, or demean others, the responsibility for that turnover will rest with you. If you allow employees to insult, diminish or demean other employees you’ve abdicated your responsibility and accountability as a manager.

If you’re spending more time working with problem employees and less time leading and managing, the problems may originate in your hiring practices and the degree to which you nurture those hires after they’ve come on board.