Timely Feedback

There’s no substitute for timely feedback and no time like the present to offer it, so when you are witness to an unacceptable and inappropriate interaction and can see its immediate negative consequence, address it.

Take if off-line, so that you can speak directly, privately, and personally. Describe what you observed, as though you filmed it, accurately recalling the event as it happened, without interpretation, accusation, blame or judgment. Describe the setting, the behaviors, and the impact those behaviors had on you:

“Tom, I have feedback for you regarding your behavior in the team meeting we just concluded. This is what I observed: Throughout the hour we were together, you sat with your chair pulled away from the table and at a 90 degree angle to it. You didn’t provide anyone eye contact as they contributed their ideas to product design. Your participation was limited to negative head shakes, frowns, and grimaces.

This is my reaction to your behavior: 1. I felt that you didn’t want to be in the meeting. 2. that you were distancing yourself from the discussion as well as the participants.3. that you didn’t respect the opinions of those attending the meeting.

Tom, for you to have presented yourself in that way to the group, I can only assume that something’s going on that I need to know. What is it?”

You described what you saw. You described your reaction to what you observed. You asked Tom to tell you the motivation that drives his behavior. Listen fully to what he has to say. Listen to understand him, not to jump to conclusions by presuming you know where he’s going before he has time to tell you.  The purpose of providing honest, timely feedback is to enable the recipient to understand that behaviors have consequences. Some are intended, some are not.  Your job is to inform Tom of those consequences and to determine from him, the actions he is willing to take to remedy the situation. Instead of making him the problem, enable him to work on the solution.

Tom tells you that his co-workers show him no respect. They no longer include him in their conversations. They get together before meetings, and decide, without him, what they’re going to do on projects. He says that he meant to act as he did. He wanted them to get the message that he won’t put up with it.

What’s your response?

Tell him that you don’t know if they got the significance of what he did. You did. And what you saw tells you that his response to a valid frustration was inappropriate. Then ask if he wants to be part of the solution or part of the problem.

Listen to what he says. If he wants to solve the problem, work with him on strategy.  Provide him honest feedback so he can decide what he’s willing to differently and what a positive outcome can look like.

Above all, be direct about your observations and expectations. If you’ve observed him telling rather than asking; dismissing others’ opinions rather than including their insights, being so independent that he’s not responding to emails and voice mails, tell him. And tell him the impact that his behaviors have on you, and consequently, the group. Let him know that what he does causes a reaction from others, and that reaction may be to close him out, shut him down, and render his value unusable.

If he wants a different outcome, he’ll have to change his behavior. You can’t change it for him, nor can you influence the reaction his behaviors have on others. That’s up to him.

With responsibility comes the expectation that professional maturity and accountability follow. For now, the ball is in Tom’s court.