I have always held that the most challenging times of our lives come when we face redefining ourselves.

Like when we go from being a high schooler to being a college student.

From being a college student to being employed.

Or employed by someone else to employed by ourselves.

Or from being single to being married. Or being married to being divorced.  Or widowed.

From being a kid’s mom or dad, to being an adult’s mom or dad.

From being healthy to being sick. From being sick to being healthy again.

These are the moments that vex us, because we’re required to think about who we are and who we want to be.

And it always comes just at the moment where we’ve gotten so damn comfortable with who we were.

I know you know what I’m talking about.

Often, where people get stuck is in letting go of the old, comfortable definition and making room for the new way of thinking about themselves.

It’s kinda like a special sort of roller coaster – the kind where you only ride once.  Ever gotten off a roller coaster and said, “Well, that was fun,” never intending to ride it again?  That’s like life.

You can’t go back and ride high school again.

Or college.

Or your 20s. 30s. 40s. 50s. 100s.

You get one ride. And it has plenty of twists and turns. And before you know it, you’re not where you started.

You’re somewhere new.

Allow yourself to grow, and change, and redefine.  Welcome change in all its magnificent uncertainty.

If you let it, it’ll be one hell of a ride.

***

Michele Woodward (www.lifeframeworks.com) is a Master Certified Coach, author, speaker and teacher, who helps people get clear about who they are and what they want to do – and develop a workable action plan to get where they want to go. She is the author of Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living, available at Amazon.com and is the founder of Career Invention Coach Training (www.careerinvention.com) – focused on training coaches to understand the new rules of work –  and Kick Ass Mentoring (www.kickassmentoring.com) – a marketing training program for coaches. She’s thrived in a number of high-level, high-pressure positions – at The White House, in corporate America – and has served as an advisor to entrepreneurs.  Michele is a sought-after speaker, leads a number of workshops and classes, teaches in Martha Beck’s well regarded coach training program, and writes a popular blog.

You don’t know what to do.

Oh, you’ve got plenty of ideas about what you could do. About what’s possible. About your dreams.

Or maybe you’re really, really busy – pursuing a hundred leads at once and reeling from all the potential paths available to you.

But somehow nothing’s really happening. Nothing’s clicking.

And you’re either starting to panic, or, conversely, starting to think that being where you are isn’t really so bad. You can hang in there until things start to change. Whenever that might be. Someday.

Who finds this familiar? And just a teensy bit scary?

So, let’s talk about it. Let’s figure out why you consistently step away from making your ideas into something real, shall we?

It’s easy to be drunk with love about what’s possible. “I take this job, and I can make a million dollars and become CEO one day.” Or, “If I become a joint venture partner with this famous person, my life will be easy and I’ll become famous, too.” And, “It’s not really that bad – I bet I can make it better.” And we are so in love with this vision that we fail to see that the CEO is only 32 years old and not going anywhere any time soon, or that the famous person has staff that deal with “joint venture partners” (and there are hundreds of joint venture partners), or that the thing is not bad – it’s horrific – and is so toxic that hazmat is required.

The best dating advice I ever received was, “Never fall in love with potential”. Had I ever followed it, I would have been saved plenty of heartache. But, after being bashed about the head and shoulders several times, I finally learned the lesson.

Today, when offered a possibility, I put potential aside and look at what’s at hand with a clear eye. Does it fit with my strengths? My values? My goals? Notice I’m not asking, “Could it possibly, with a lot of work, pixie dust and spit, maybe fit?” It either fits or it doesn’t. And if it fits, that’s when I look at potential. Does this opportunity allow for growth? Is it fun? Is it worth my time?

Isn’t it nice to have a dream? Feels so dreamy, and love-ly. We can visit our dreamy dream whenever we want, like some personalized amusement park, and lose ourselves in all the possibility. And we love the idea of the dream, and fondle the dream, and protect it. But we never make one step toward realizing the dream in our lives. The singer never takes voice lessons, the writer never types, the entrepreneur never starts a business.

Why?

Because the dream is perfect, and real life is seldom so.

If you’re a dream-fondler but rather restless, here’s an exercise: write down a full description of your dream. All of it. Even the minutiae. Then go back through and pick two things – just two teensy things – you can easily do to move ever-so-slightly toward making the dream real. See how that feels, try a couple more, and if you hit resistance, it may be because:

Let’s say your dream is to be a writer, and the teensy thing you choose is to start writing. And maybe you even begin to call yourself a writer. That might feel like a change. A re-definition. A big switch. People might laugh. You might not fit in with your friends – they don’t even read books – or your family – who values brawn over brain.

Or maybe you grew up in a family that prides itself on academic and intellectual pursuits. You go to a competitive high school, and all your friends are shooting for the Ivy League. You go to a top school, and a prestigious graduate program. All is as it should be. But you’re not happy. All you ever do is dream of starting your own landscaping business.

But if you become a landscaper, what will people think? What will you have in common with your Ivy League friends? With your siblings? With your parents?

The fear of loss keeps you in a job you don’t like, being measured by a yardstick that’s not even relevant to your dream. If you have a strong pull toward belonging and connection, you might hold on to the group’s yardstick because making your own is so scary. And the group might say it’s wrong.

Understandable. Hard to shake.

But so worth it when you do. Remember: the people who love you will love you whether you’re a physicist or a landscaper. Whether you’re a Regional Sales Manager or a writer. More importantly, you will like you when you’re living your dream.

The failure to execute is the Big Kahuna of stuck. Making your dreams come alive, though, is the Big Enchilada of happiness. Go ahead. Start now.

Want to get clearer on your priorities? Be happier? Get insight? I’ve got audio recordings for you and my book available on my website. Click here.

***

Michele Woodward (www.lifeframeworks.com) is a Master Certified Coach, author, speaker and teacher, who helps people get clear about who they are and what they want to do – and develop a workable action plan to get where they want to go. She is the author of Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living, available at Amazon.com and is the founder of Career Invention Coach Training (www.careerinvention.com) – focused on training coaches to understand the new rules of work –  and Kick Ass Mentoring (www.kickassmentoring.com) – a marketing training program for coaches. She’s thrived in a number of high-level, high-pressure positions – at The White House, in corporate America – and has served as an advisor to entrepreneurs.  Michele is a sought-after speaker, leads a number of workshops and classes, teaches in Martha Beck’s well regarded coach training program, and writes a popular blog.

This April 10 – 16 is National Volunteer Week.

Individuals who choose careers in the non profit world of human services are a particularly hearty lot. They do more with much less and  try harder because giving up isn’t an option. They lead, follow, direct and manage kindred spirits who join them in believing that what they do makes a difference, and those who benefit, deserve the chance it gives them.

Who takes care of those who tirelessly care for others? What does it take to maintain belief and passion? What is the cost of caring so much?

I spoke with two non-profit professionals who work to provide services to those in need. Here’s some of what they said:

“I give. That’s what I do. That’s who I am. I give time and energy to those who are in need because I believe they should have access to a better life than the one they are currently living.”

I asked, “When you give, you must have a source from which you draw energy. What is it?”

He said, “ For me, it’s something that comes from within. It’s an indefinable need to relate to others in a way that empowers them to be and do more. My reward comes when it works. I have to do it. Anything else, any other job or career, wouldn’t be right for me.”

As I listen, I’m overwhelmed by the emotional generosity of these dedicated souls, and exhausted by work that must take all that they have, all the time. I asked how they handle it.

She said, “I do get tired. I give so much at work that I often wish I had more left over for those who count on me most. My family supports my efforts yet I wonder if they’ll say, ‘let this time be about me. Give me something of what you give them’. I’m grateful that they understand just how important this work is.”

I asked who they turn to for emotional support?

He said, “To be honest, I don’t turn to anyone. I’m supposed to be the strong one. I listen to my friends and help them with their problems. I probably don’t let on that I need more from them then they are apt to provide me.”

Why don’t you tell them? If they knew they’d probably be there for you as well.

And he said, “I don’t want to appear needy. I can handle it. It’s what I do. I just don’t want to burn out.”

She came in when he faltered, saying, “It’s not their fault. It’s ours. We insist upon being everyone’s pillar of strength. We’re always ready to  lend a helping hand. We do it to ourselves. We define ourselves by what we do and what we give. It’s our reason for being. And yes, we get tired and sometimes we want someone else to carry the load, just for a while. Then we get our second wind.”

How can someone give care to the caregiver?

He responded in a way that addressed the personal, as well as the professional challenge faced by many who give their time to the work of human services: “We need to hear more people say.’Tell me the job you need done and I’ll do it’. We need those who benefit from the generosity of others to repay that gift by giving others, less able than themselves, whatever they can afford. Sometimes the best thing is a  strong back, an open mind and a giving heart.”

Volunteers and their managers step up, everyday, to enable those with less access, less opportunity, and less possibility, something more than they might otherwise have. It’s called hope.

Since they’re always going to be a little bit short, they work like maniacs.  Putting in killer hours and slaving away to make sure every “i” is dotted and every “t” is crossed – sometimes spending hours and hours checking and re-checking their dotting and crossing.

Because if they make a mistake – even one tiny, infinitesimal error – then the whole jig is up and everyone in the world will know what they themselves believe:  I am not good enough.

But we can already see it – they’re telegraphing with every step they take.  Like people pretending that the bad toupee is real hair.  We all know, don’t we?

Perhaps this is the heart of perfectionism.  The relentless chase to prove the unprovable – to prove one’s basic worth.

I say it’s unprovable, because I truly don’t believe the premise.

Because in Michele World, there’s no such thing as “not good enough”.

Every person has worth, because every person is here.

And whatever you do is good enough because it’s what you did.  If the result was less than happy, then try again.

That’s all you have to do.

When you free yourself from the heavy rock of not being good enough, guess what happens?  Things get pretty good. When you’re not fixated on making mistakes, you make less of them. When you know, rather than doubt, that you have skills, strengths, resources and resilience – why then, you can call on them at will. You succeed. You thrive. You soar.

I love those stories where an unsuspecting person discovers superhuman powers and then uses them to do heroic service.  Think Harry Potter:  living in a cupboard under the stairs, wearing cast-off clothes, suffering, until he finds out that he’s not only a wizard, but The Wizard, foretold in a prophecy.   He goes on to defeat evil and restore order in the world.

So, too, Luke Skywalker.  All Luke wants to do is leave the arid, desolate moisture farm run by his Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru and have some fun with his friends over in Tosche Station. Circumstances prevail and he discovers his birthright as a Jedi Knight and ultimately defeats evil and restores order in the world.

And I’d be remiss if I forgot to mention Claire Bennet in the TV show “Heroes”.  Claire’s a typical teenager, a cheerleader who finds out she has the ability to spontaneously regenerate – she cannot die – and goes on to defeat evil and restore order in the world.

See the pattern? Normal, everyday people discover something amazing about themselves and what they’re capable of doing. And go on to create something really good in the world.

I know what you’re thinking – “I don’t have any special ability – I’m not good enough to have any.”

Once again, I am going to disagree.

You have special gifts. You do. You just can’t see them. Maybe you’ve disowned them.

Maybe they make you uncomfortable.

But when you embrace them, when you own what’s really best about you – you will know, once and for all, that you are indeed good enough.

Doesn’t matter what happened in your last job. Or the one before that. Or what happened in your marriage. Or how your kids turned out. Or that your mother died. Or how much you weigh. Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter.

Align yourself with your gifts.

And defeat evil. Restore order to your world.

Be the hero you were born to be.

It’s all that matters.

***

Michele Woodward (www.lifeframeworks.com) is a Master Certified Coach, author, speaker and teacher, who helps people get clear about who they are and what they want to do – and develop a workable action plan to get where they want to go. She is the author of Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living, available at Amazon.com and is the founder of Career Invention Coach Training (www.careerinvention.com) – focused on training coaches to understand the new rules of work –  and Kick Ass Mentoring (www.kickassmentoring.com) – a marketing training program for coaches. She’s thrived in a number of high-level, high-pressure positions – at The White House, in corporate America – and has served as an advisor to entrepreneurs.  Michele is a sought-after speaker, leads a number of workshops and classes, teaches in Martha Beck’s well regarded coach training program, and writes a popular blog.

Company leaders familiar with personnel law and risk management are putting their employees on alert. Co-workers, already stressed with the “too much to do and no time to do it” syndrome, haven’t the energy or patience to tolerate abusive comments, raunchy jokes, and questionable language. Employees who feel harassed are threatening legal recourse in increasing numbers and companies that don’t want to appear on the court docket (or in the court of public opinion) know they mean business. Pun intended.

Why does bad behavior get a blind eye?

I had a client, a senior executive, sent to me for “corrective action.” His problem? He ogled women. He ogled women in elevators, in restaurants, in business meetings. He ogled his eyeballs out. No one took action until he visually groped the wrong woman (correction, the right woman) who reported his behavior to human resources and sent  copies of her complaint to the corporate attorney and the Chairman of the Board. As they attempted to placate the offended, they remanded the ogler to me.

He was angry.  He felt blindsided and railroaded. He resented that he was nailed as the bad guy. “They’re all part of it!” he exploded. “Everyone of them!”

What’s his story?

“Sure I do it,” he said. “And all the guys here love it. They laugh, they hoot, they cheer me on. As soon as I get caught, they run for cover,  screaming ‘blame him’, then sanctimoniously offer prayers for my redemption. No one ever said, “you’re out of line” until the legal department got hold of it.”

Was he telling the truth? I checked. He was. This guy had been acting that way for all the years he had been employed with the company. It bothered some, it didn’t bother others, and most said they either didn’t notice and if they did, they didn’t care. He was a heavy hitter. He made a lot of money for the company and everyone profited from his being there. No one gave him fair warning.

No wonder he was screaming foul. Does that give him a pass? No. He was wrong. His boss was wrong and his colleagues were wrong. Someone needed to step up and straighten this guy out. No one did.

Take a look around. If you’re working with people who cross the line in how they act or or what they say, do them a favor and do it now. Tell them that it makes you uncomfortable.  If they don’t want to hear about it, let them know that you’re taking it up the line.

Don’t wait. Whether you’re the target or the observer, take action before the behavior escalates to a consequence no one can back away from.

How do you know what’s out of bounds?

Is the joke at someone’s expense? Does the humor, no matter how foot-stomping, scapegoat someone? Is the behavior intimidating, humiliating, harassing, to someone?

Some people revel in over the top candor. “I tell it like it is, whether people like it or not!” For what purpose? Is the outcome they seek undone by the manner in which they seek it?

There was a time that companies and co-workers tolerated behavior that should never have been allowed. That time has gone. And the people who are doing it are going with it.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

I cannot believe I haven’t written about this before, because I talk about it all the time. In classes, in coaching sessions, in workshops, possibly even in my sleep – I hammer the importance of The Connector Strategy.

Yet, I’ve never shared it with you in this forum.

Let’s remedy that right now, shall we?

The Connector Strategy is the most powerful tool you can possibly use to get what you want.

I imagine I have your attention now.

First, the backstory. In his book, The Tipping Point, writer Malcolm Gladwell tells the story of the way epidemics and fads start. Almost always, at the center of something new is a personality type called A Connector.

A Connector is the kind of person who goes to a new restaurant, comes home and emails a hundred friends with his review. And suggests what they should try. And gives them the name of the maitre d’. And the waiter whose section is the one you want to sit in.

A true Connector connects for the sheer joy of it. There’s a rush from linking people with people, people with things, people with ideas. A true Connector is not involved in any quid pro quo – she just loves doing it. It energizes her. Makes her happy. [Guess who you know who's a Connector?]

A few years ago, I took the idea of the Connector and applied it to people looking for a job, and the success was immediate.

At one point, I had four clients who were previously-executive women looking to re-enter the workforce after long employment gaps. They had each taken time off to parent, and one had an ill spouse she had cared for. When I say “long employment gaps” I mean seven years. Nine years. Eleven years. Fourteen years. Those kind of gaps. You know, the “who-in-the-world-would-hire-me” kind of gaps.

In each of these cases, we identified strengths, skills, priorities and goals. We bucked up confidence. And we inventoried Connectors.

Because the average human being knows four Connectors. But if you’re a Connector yourself, you may have more than twenty in your contact list.

Once my clients identified their Connectors, they needed to activate them. Now, here’s where Personal Branding comes into play. I’ve written about this before, but let me sum up:

Your personal brand is what someone else would say about you if asked.

And this is important when it comes to Connectors. Your Connectors may be your kid’s friend’s parents, or your neighbor. Or they could be someone you worked for a long time ago. Or a college friend. Or your periodontist.  How you made the relationship is less important than the fact of your contact’s innate Connectorship.

You want a Connector to be able to speak to your personal brand. To your skills, your integrity, your ability to get stuff done. And if you’ve coordinated a charity event with your periodontist, she might just be a perfect advocate for you.

To activate Connectors, figure out how each likes to be contacted.  Then reach out to them, and tell them what you’re looking for. This is not the moment for the lame “have any ideas for me?”  This is the time to say, “I’m looking for a senior management position where I can turn around an under-performing team.”

That kind of statement is like throwing red meat to a tiger. A well-connected, problem-solving tiger.

When my four employment gap women used the Connector Strategy, what do you think happened?  If you imagined that each of them were quickly employed with salaries in the six figures, you’d be right.

In a regular economy, 70% of jobs are filled by personal referral – they are not posted in the classifieds or on job boards.  In this economy, it seems more like 90% of jobs are filled this way. Makes sense – if an organization can only hire one person, they want to make sure they hire a sure thing.

If you’re recommended by a Connector, you’re more likely to be considered that sure thing.

And it’s great to be a sure thing, whether you’re looking for a new position, or a new home, or a new love relationship. All you have to do is Connect.

***

Michele Woodward (www.lifeframeworks.com) is a Master Certified Coach, author, speaker and teacher, who helps people get clear about who they are and what they want to do – and develop a workable action plan to get where they want to go. She is the author of Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living, available at Amazon.com and is the founder of Career Invention Coach Training (www.careerinvention.com) – focused on training coaches to understand the new rules of work –  and Kick Ass Mentoring (www.kickassmentoring.com) – a marketing training program for coaches. She’s thrived in a number of high-level, high-pressure positions – at The White House, in corporate America – and has served as an advisor to entrepreneurs.  Michele is a sought-after speaker, leads a number of workshops and classes, teaches in Martha Beck’s well regarded coach training program, and writes a popular blog.

What’s her story? She gets her kicks from challenges. The bigger the stretch, the greater the risk, the more exhilarated she feels.  Right now she’s feeling as empty as her horizon is flat. She doesn’t have a mountain to climb.

She joined her company over 20 years ago, fresh out of college with a degree no one wanted. She was part of the new migration; graduates grazing on whatever was available, grateful for what they could get, having launched themselves when energy, enthusiasm, and opportunity were in short supply.

Ellie started out as a temp, then an administrative assistant in the marketing department of a large financial services organization. She had more time than work to keep her busy, so she improvised. She created internal newsletters, organized seminars, and did whatever she could to crank up morale. She was a resounding, although underpaid, success.

She capitalized on her ability to intuitively understand what was needed without knowing why; followed her hunches, backed them up with drive and determination, and quickly rose through the ranks.

She’s now in the executive suite of a Fortune 50 company. Her office walls bear testimony to her accomplishments. She’s been profiled in business magazines and touted in the popular press. With each substantive success has come an exhilaration that was immediately followed by depression. She has literally been up one side and down the other.

Ellie’s burning out. She wants something more and something less in her life and she doesn’t have a clue what one or the other would look like. Her lights are flickering and she’s scared they’ll go out.

You may not have had the soaring success of someone like Ellie, but I bet you know the roller coaster feelings she’s had to deal with:

It’s the start of a project and you’re on a high. You’re creating, designing, collaborating on ideas with like-minded people all filled with positive expectations and the rush of “anything’s possible”. As the project takes shape and design gives way to process, your energy and desire begins to sag. Details put you in the doldrums. You feel frustration and agitation with the project you once loved. You’re over it. If you’re lucky you can hand it off to the people who love implementation. If they’re lucky, they hand it off to the people who love to maintain. Lucky or not, one thing is for sure; you’re ready for the next challenge.

When it’s early in your career, the projects and opportunities keep coming. You find the action and put yourself in the middle of it. With every success (and you’re too afraid of failing not to succeed) comes another challenge, another mountain to climb. You’re no longer in the middle of the fray; you’re leading the charge. You’re moving up, into thin air, where everyone can see you. Still, you are compelled to do more. Then you reach the place where grabbing the next rung means stretching farther than you like, risking more than you like, and despite yourself, you’re beginning to question, “is it still worth it?”

Ellie knows that she loves challenge. What she’s forgotten is that she needs the comraderie of like minded people as she grapples with it.

Ellie loves recognition (promotions, salary increases) that comes from attaining her goals. What she’s forgotten is the higher you go the more alone you get. What she needs the most and has the least of is a sense of community with whom she can share the excitement.

She’s decided to step away from the applause, adulation and isolation of a one woman high wire act.  She’s going to start over with people she likes, doing work that matters. She’ll take on a challenge that others won’t, not because they can’t, but because she values the outcome enough to try.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

We’ve all been there. It’s Monday morning. You’ve had a good weekend and arrive in the office ready for a new week. Carol had a good weekend too. She had plenty of time to mull over the situation with her direct report, Joe. He’s good at what he does—really good. But Joe has to go. He’s a thorn in her side and is lowering morale in the IT department. She can’t wait to share her news with you and walks into your office shortly after you arrive. It’s time, she announces, that you fire Joe.

Problem employees are the bane of everyone’s existence in an organization. They cause productivity to plummet and damage morale. Because few people enjoy conflict, managers often go to extremes to avoid addressing the problem behavior. It seems inevitable that it winds up in the HR department. Unfortunately, by the time it does, the damage has already been done and the clean-up can take months.

This post will show HR and talent managers how to use coaching skills to help managers handle problem employee behavior and reduce the workplace costs associated with problem employees.

According to one 2004 study, executive coaching at Booz Allen Hamilton returned $7.90 for every dollar the business consulting firm spent on coaching.

Problem employees and “toxic” workplaces are, unfortunately, more prevalent than ever. A 2008 SHRM/Ethics Resource Center survey found that 57 percent of respondents said they had witnessed abusive or intimidating behavior (excluding sexual harassment) toward co-workers.
Nearly half of all respondents to a survey conducted by the Employment Law Alliance reported that they had worked for abusive bosses. The Workplace Bullying Institute estimates that approximately 54 million U.S. workers have been bullied at work. When bystanders are included, workplace bullying affects nearly half of all full and part-time employees in the United States (SHRM, 2010).

Problem employees add stress to the workplace which costs U.S. employers an estimated $300 billion annually in lost productivity and turnover. In terms of productivity, 80 percent of employees who reported being insulted or bullied at work said they lost work time worrying about the incident and 78 percent said their commitment to their employer decreased (Porath and Pearson, 2009).
Lower productivity and morale are not the only costs associated with problem employees. Employees who experience or witness uncivil behavior are more likely to quit, taking their talent with them and costing employers an estimated 150 percent of a mid-level manager’s salary to replace (Porath and Pearson, 2009, SHRM).

To make matters worse, bad behavior and attitudes are like the common cold; they are easily spread to co-workers. If problem behavior is not checked, other employees (consciously or unconsciously) perceive that the employer accepts the behavior and will tend to adopt it as well. Problem behavior can undermine an organization’s culture.

Types of Manageable Problem Behavior in Employees

Let’s take the example of Carol, the IT professional who believes her direct report, Joe, must go. Carol’s background is probably not in human resources, social services or psychology. She is probably a technical professional who was promoted into a position where managing others is required. Carol may know that Joe irks her and others around her, but she simply may not be able to articulate why—making the opportunity to coach her with her problem employee all the more challenging.

In my experience as an organizational development professional, manageable problem employee behavior generally falls into one of eight categories:

1. Technician-Turned-Managers: Their high proficiency in their technical areas of expertise (e.g., IT, finance, R&D) probably led them to be promoted into a management position. Unfortunately, what made them great technicians may not match the skills they need as a manager. They are used to doing their work as individual contributors and are unclear on how to get work done through others. They earn a reputation of being a micromanager because they cannot delegate and are often heard saying that they can’t get anything done because of “all these people showing up at my door and asking questions.” Because their previous roles were so insular and their expertise so specialized, they are ill-equipped for managing others and being more extroverted.

2. The Oblivious: This category includes any and all permutations of a “lack of self-awareness.” These employees are generally unaware of their surroundings or themselves and as a result, clash with others in the workplace. These are the employees who think they are better, smarter, more productive than everyone else. They simply don’t understand that their behavior is disruptive to co-workers or why others react to them in such an exaggerated manner (“I’m just a straightforward type guy. It’s not my problem that they can’t handle the truth.”). This category includes employees who don’t “show up” in appropriate ways; the senior leader who has no executive presence or the customer service supervisor who uses inappropriate speech.

3. Naysayers: These employees generally have bad attitudes or an underdeveloped ability to solve problems. If there is a challenge at hand, they tend to add to it. They can give you all the reasons it won’t work, but seldom offer a solution. They are constant “kvetchers” who tend to bring the entire unit’s morale down a few notches. Beware of the cheerful naysayers—the ones whose discouraging comments are delivered with a cheerful smile or sotto voce. They are likely to express their disapproval outside the meeting versus directly in the meeting.

4. People Pleasers: Believe it or not, people pleasers can get in the way of employee morale and productivity. These people are incapable of saying no and because of that, they tend to feel and act overwhelmed and victimized. Their inclination to “over-promise and under-deliver” earns them a reputation of being untrustworthy.
People pleasers are frequently fence sitters. They are the leaders who can’t or won’t make a decision for fear of upsetting people. Their inability to make decisions can leave subordinates feeling frustrated, confused and stressed out.

5. The Passive-Aggressive: Passive-aggressive employees avoid addressing problems at all costs but can inflame them by stirring the pot with negativity or innuendo. Like naysayers, they prefer to stir the pot outside of meetings.

6. Poor Communicators: We all know how critical good communication is to organizational success, but few employees are actually trained in what good communication is. Bad communicators either fail to pass on critical information, fail to do so effectively, or do so in a manner that is perceived as ineffectual or abrasive.

7. Credit Hogs: Credit hogs may be the antithesis of the oblivious employee. They are absolutely aware of themselves and others and are quick to use others to raise themselves up. They tend to claim credit for everything and share credit for nothing. They are corporate climbers in the worst sense of the term.

8. Volatiles: These are the tightly wound, overly emotional and unpredictable employees. They can be bullies or simply highly unpleasant to work with.
It is important to note that these categories are not mutually exclusive. It is entirely possible to have an employee or manager who is an oblivious naysayer with a bad attitude. However, all of these categories can offer coachable moments that can lead to real behavioral improvement.

Coaching the Manager

You would never hire someone to be an engineer who lacks an engineering degree—yet organizations constantly hire or promote managers who don’t have the needed people skills.
Employers will promote an introverted number cruncher to head the finance department because he raised his hand for the job, thinking that was the only way to get ahead in the organization.
It should come as no surprise, then, that he is completely unprepared for the human interaction the new job requires. He lacks the skills needed to manage people, so when his former (and now disgruntled) co-worker starts acting up because she was passed over for the promotion, he ignores it. Suddenly, the requests for internal transfers and departmental turnover spike. Unfortunately, HR often becomes aware of the problem far too late.

Traditional HR methods to handle (or head off) problem employees, like performance improvement plans, should be the last step in any disciplinary process. Before it reaches that point, managers should be taught the tools needed to address problem employee behavior. They must be coached, and this is where HR and talent management professionals can truly contribute.
Coaching is simply moving valuable people from where they are to where they want or need to be.

Some of the most effective coaches are also exemplary models—they “walk the talk.” As it applies to addressing problem employees, HR and talent management professionals can help managers identify the problem behavior, analyze it, develop approaches to discuss it with the employee, create an employee “contract” to address the behavior, and in general, develop a culture that is supportive of open dialogue.

Step 1: Help the Manager Identify the Problem Behavior

Good coaches ask good questions. Ask some variation of the following questions to help the manager articulate the problem behavior (consider using some of the types of problem behaviors as a framework):

• “Let’s focus on the employee’s behavior. What types of behavior is she exhibiting?”
• “Has this happened before? Was it a one-time incident or is it ongoing? When does it happen?”
• “What do you want her to stop doing? What do you want her to do differently?”
• “Have you discussed this behavior directly with the employee before?”

“Have you or previous managers documented this behavior in any previous performance reviews?”
These questions will help managers identify the problem behavior. By asking if the behavior has happened before, you are establishing a baseline for the behavior. Managers also tend to focus on recent events, so asking if the behavior has happened before will allow them to focus on broader themes rather than one-time events.

Finally, the last two questions will establish if there has been any communication with the employee regarding the behavior. There is a good chance the answer to both of these questions will be “no”, and for now, that’s fine. Your job is to coach the manager to acquire the skills and confidence to have a constructive conversation with the employee focused on behavior.

Step 2: Help the Manager Analyze the Behavior

Once you’ve helped the manager identify the problem behavior, analyze it. Ask the manager what he or she thinks the implications would be if nothing was done to address the problem behavior. Help them establish a decision tree.

Is the problem behavior important enough to address? Encourage the manager to analyze the costs and benefits of addressing the behavior. If it is not affecting the productivity or morale, addressing it may do more harm than good. Assess with the manager his or her patience with the employee in terms of giving the employee the time to change the behavior.

Ask the manager to consider how doing nothing about the problem may affect the rest of the departmental team, customers, clients and organizational profitability. Is it really an ingrained problem behavior that is affecting productivity and morale? Is it affecting organizational profitability? Is it endangering others? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, intervention is needed.
These questions should be considered at this stage:

• Is the employee aware that his or her job performance is not meeting expectations?
• If the employee is meeting job expectations, is it how he or she accomplishes it that’s the problem?
• Does the employee clearly understand his or her roles and responsibilities?
• Has the employee’s roles and responsibilities shifted in the recent past (e.g., promotion, new boss, different projects)? Is he or she having personal issues outside of work (e.g., death, divorce, illness)? Could these changes be affecting work performance and/or attitude?

Step 3: Develop Approaches on How to Discuss it with the Employee

Unless the behavior is clearly against the organization’s policies or code of conduct or is illegal, then it is most likely an opportunity to manage the employee towards better behavior. It is important to let the manager know that the objective of the discussion with the employee is not to terminate employment but to work together to address the problem behavior.

The reason for this is twofold. First, it is highly likely that the manager entered your office with his or her mind already made up; it’s time to fire the employee. Reframing the context of the meeting from termination to an employee development opportunity is vital at this stage—the manager has to support the new approach. Secondly, it reframes the meeting with the employee from “confrontation” to “conversation.” A conversation isn’t nearly as daunting to all parties involved.
Now that the manager can articulate the problem behavior, coach him or her in the ways to deliver behavioral feedback. Try role playing with the manager to analyze different approaches to take. Encourage the manager to provide concrete examples to help the employee identify the issue. Coach the manager to include how the employee’s behavior is affecting others (“Joe, you’ve been late to work four times last week. Other employees had to cover for you, causing them to get behind in their own work.”) and what the manager can do to help the situation. Be sure to discuss possible reactions the employee may have (denial, embarrassment, defensiveness) and how to handle them.

Step 4: Show the Manager How to Create a Contract with the Employee

The meeting with the employee to address the problem behavior will no doubt be emotional for both parties, and it may be easy to forget some of the desired outcomes and timeframes agreed to during the meeting. The manager should put this all in writing to help the employee and to establish a good legacy for future managers regarding the employee’s development.

Unfortunately, for many managers, writing is a stumbling block. Remember the introverted number cruncher? He hates to write and has never heard of the term “behavioral descriptors.” It’s all HR speak to him. He’s going to need some more coaching to learn how to effectively document the discussion.

Coach him in how good behavioral descriptors provide detail on the problem behavior, including instances when it occurred, and a recommendation on how to effectively address it.
Bad behavioral descriptors (“You are just not a team player.” “You are rude in meetings.” “You are too negative.”) fail to provide the employee context and a solution. Good behavioral descriptors (“When bringing concerns forward about project implementation, you focus on what will not work. In the future, I’d like for you to focus on bringing some positive aspects or potential solutions to these issues as well as your concerns.”) will help the employee identify when the behavior likely occurs and how to effectively address it.

Follow Up with the Manager: You’ve Been Coached

Follow-up with the manager to see if the employee’s behavior has improved and review the steps you and the manager took together to address the problem. Let them know that they were coached and learned valuable skills (you may want to recap them) that you hope they will apply to future employee behavioral problems. In fact, let them know you may call on them some day to help another manager through a similar situation—each one, teach one. This will not only help them become effective coaches, it will help move your entire organization toward a more developmental culture.

You can find the entire white paper here at the University of North Carolina Executive Development Problem. You can find a more resources from the  University of North Carolina Kenan-Flagler Business School.

Melodie Howard’s firm, In Perspective Consulting, focuses on designing and executing sustainable systems for development. Her particular specialties are: succession planning, corporate values, performance management systems, senior leadership competency development, executive coaching, 360o feedback and talent management. Melodie’s previous experience includes serving as the Group Director of Organizational Development for leading international re-insurance company, Partner Reinsurance, Ltd., based in Hamilton, Bermuda. She continues to work with them on a retained consultancy basis. Prior to her role at PartnerRe, Melodie spent 16 years at the Center for Creative Leadership in both operational and profit and loss responsibility roles. Melodie received her Master’s of Science in Organization Development from Pepperdine University in August of 2000 and a B.S. in Psychology from Guilford College in 1980. You can find Melodie’s profile on TheCoachingAssociation.com.

When she says, “Michele is so funny.  I mean, you always say the funniest things.  Say something funny, Michele.”

All eyes turn to me.

And I got…nothing.

I mean, nothing.  My mind is totally blank.

Faintly, you can hear the sound of crickets in the distance.  Chirping.

I shrug. “It’s kind of hard to be funny on demand.”  I get a courtesy fake-laugh – because obviously I am so totally hilarious – and the gaggle breaks up. I wonder if I should have hauled out the joke that got me published in Highlights magazine as a fifth grader: What kind of ears do engines have? Engineers! (OK, I stole it off a bubble gum wrapper, but I was published!)

In this era of “on demand” everything, we often find ourselves in this same predicament – put on the spot to serve someone else’s needs – although it can come in other guises.

Your boss says:  “We have a great opportunity to get five tons of raspberries but we have to decide right now!”  The fact that you work at a law firm who has absolutely nothing to do with raspberries doesn’t feature – it’s an immediate opportunity and it moves to Urgent status.

And you got nothing but crickets chirping in the distance.

Because it’s stupid and a waste of time to even consider what you’d do with five tons of raspberries when you do contract law and, besides, you’ve got plenty of other things to do.

It’s like when your kid says: “Moooooooooom.”  Or: “Daaaaaaaaaaad.”  Even from another room, you know the tone.  You jump up from whatever you’re doing and run in there. Panting, you say, “What!?”  He needs you to find the remote.  She needs you to find a certain pink ponytail elastic.

In that moment, their urgency becomes your urgency.

And you’re just a little bit cheesed off.

Come on, you can admit it. It’s frustrating when will-’o-the-wisp, fleeting fancies that are urgent to someone else take you away from serving your own priorities.

What would happen if you said to your kid: “I am in the middle of something, honey. I can be there in five minutes.”  I’ll tell you what would happen. He’d find the remote.  She’d either find the ponytail thingy or decide on a headband.  They’d figure it out.

What if you said to the raspberry hoarding executive: “I am just wrapping up the Framastam contract.  Can you give me thirty minutes?”

[As an aside, I know this makes you nervous because a boss is a boss and to be obeyed (it's amazing how many people tell me this - as if Odin, God of War himself were seated in the corner office - when I know for a fact that the guy in there is usually really uncertain, kind of frightened and slightly in over his head).]

But trust me, if you asked for thirty minutes, Mr. Raspberry 2011 would find another sucker co-worker to play out his drama. And you could get on with your business.

What do you do, then, in your own life when faced with a figurative five tons of raspberries?

Well, when asked to drop your own priorities to adapt to the flaky urgency of another, my friend, take a deep breath and remember this simple mantra:

Let there be crickets.

***

Michele Woodward (www.lifeframeworks.com) is a Master Certified Coach, author, speaker and teacher, who helps people get clear about who they are and what they want to do – and develop a workable action plan to get where they want to go. She is the author of Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living, available at Amazon.com and is the founder of Career Invention Coach Training (www.careerinvention.com) – focused on training coaches to understand the new rules of work –  and Kick Ass Mentoring (www.kickassmentoring.com) – a marketing training program for coaches. She’s thrived in a number of high-level, high-pressure positions – at The White House, in corporate America – and has served as an advisor to entrepreneurs.  Michele is a sought-after speaker, leads a number of workshops and classes, teaches in Martha Beck’s well regarded coach training program, and writes a popular blog.

The other day I posted on Facebook:

From the comments posted in response, to-do lists seem to be the bane of existence for quite a few of us. Don’t like ‘em, but can’t live this modern life without ‘em.

As I lay me down to sleep, though, I looked back on my troublesome to-do list and realized that of the six items on the list, I had completed three. Fifty percent. How did I feel about that? Was it “good enough”?

Well.

If I were a baseball player and hit the ball as well as I completed my to-do list, I’d be batting .500. I’d be in the Hall of Fame. With my own display case. Because even the all-time best hitters never crack .400.

Ty Cobb .366

Babe Ruth .342

Lou Gehrig .340

Albert Pujols .334

Stan “The Man” Musial .331

And, drum roll please, Michele Woodward – .500.

Not too shabby.

To tell the truth, I could even pump up my average a little bit. Because after I created my to-do list, I asked the four questions that have become my to-do list mantra:

• Does this task have to be done at all?
• Do I have to do it now?
• What’s the impact if I do this later?
• Am I really the best person to do this task?

By asking myself these questions, I immediately eliminated one item (didn’t really need to be done) and asked my so-much-taller-than-me 17 year old son to do one thing (replace the porch light bulbs – after assuring him it would certainly count as community service on his college application).

The stuff I didn’t get done? I’ll do it today. Because today is such a better time to get it done (see Questions Two and Three).

The challenge for some of us is that last question – Am I really the best person to do this task? I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel a little queasy answering “nope”. We’ve all got our pride, right?  And although we discussed the importance of showing vulnerability last week,discussing vulnerability doesn’t magically make doing it all that easy.

However, when you look at your values – what’s really important to you – then sometimes asking someone else to take on a task becomes less of a big deal.

For instance, I have a real value around helping my kids become independent adults. Adults need to know how to change light bulbs, don’t they? Therefore, tasking my son with this to-do is really teaching him an important life skill! [Which I will remind him. Repeatedly.]

At work, too, when the issues are larger than light bulbs, these questions come into play.  Are you a true mentor?  Then let the kid have a shot.  Are you a real leader?  Then you better share the load.  Are you a top producer?  Then quadruple your production by adding more hands to the job.

And if you are one of Those People who look at fifty percent completion as fifty percent failure, then let me remind you of this:

For every three times he was at bat, Babe Ruth got out twice. And under his picture in the Hall of Fame is the caption: Sultan of Swat.

So relax with your to-do list. Remember to ask yourself those four questions. Then, step inside the batter’s box, take a few swings to limber up, and keep your eye on the ball all the way to the plate. Trust me, you will swing and miss. There will be a foul tip or two. But, from time to time, you’ll connect and hit it out of the park.

Bang – you’re in The To-Do List Hall of Fame, baby.

***

Michele Woodward (www.lifeframeworks.com) is a Master Certified Coach, author, speaker and teacher, who helps people get clear about who they are and what they want to do – and develop a workable action plan to get where they want to go. She is the author of Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living, available at Amazon.com and is the founder of Career Invention Coach Training (www.careerinvention.com) – focused on training coaches to understand the new rules of work –  and Kick Ass Mentoring (www.kickassmentoring.com) – a marketing training program for coaches. She’s thrived in a number of high-level, high-pressure positions – at The White House, in corporate America – and has served as an advisor to entrepreneurs.  Michele is a sought-after speaker, leads a number of workshops and classes, teaches in Martha Beck’s well regarded coach training program, and writes a popular blog.