Let’s face it. You don’t have to speak up if you don’t want to. You don’t have to ask for what you believe is rightfully yours. Just be prepared for the consequences when you don’t:

She told me that she worked harder than anyone in her department. She came early and stayed late. She did her job in addition to what others didn’t want to do or never got around to doing. She never asked for anything in return. She didn’t think she had to. She knew she was appreciated. People smiled at her and thanked her for the extra that she did. That extra enabled them to arrive late and leave early. She couldn’t understand why she was never promoted and they were. She couldn’t understand why they made more money and she made less. But she kept her counsel. She didn’t want anyone to think that she wasn’t appreciative of the company and the job they let her do.

Gender aside, if she sounds like you and you want more than what she’s getting, you need to become more assertive. How can you do that and remain true to your character?

Most reticent people draw their energy from within. They want time to think and space for that reflection. Their preference for quiet becomes problematic only when they are asked to respond in the moment, without time to consider the issues and ponder their consequences.

Do they sound like you? If so, and you want to be able to slow down the people and process long enough to get your bearings, I have a few techniques for you. Tailor them to fit your style:

• State the obvious. You want time to think: “I’ll get back to you with that information no later than 2 o’clock this afternoon (or whatever time you need to get the job done).
• If the questioner is impatient and wants an immediate response, confirm that you heard the request. Then clarify your understanding of it before immediately responding to it.  Not only does it buy you time to think, it gets at the crux of the issue: “Tom, I understand that you need that information immediately. What else is going on that’s impacting the project? The more I know, the better I can help.”
• Go slow to go fast. Ask open ended questions: “Tell me more…”; “Help me understand…”. You’ll save time, effort, and good will by knowing at the beginning what is needed at the end.

Now, about public speaking. The higher you rise in an organization, the more often you’ll be called upon to make formal and informal presentations. You may never be great at it, but you can always get better:

• Know what you want to say and why it’s important to say it.
• Organize your speech into talking points.
• Speak from your core and not from your head.
• Vary your approach without changing your message.
• Practice in front of a full length mirror.

• Critique your performance. If you’re bored or confused, so is your intended audience. Get back to basics: Does your message stay on point? Are you getting your points across in a compelling manner? Are you challenging your audience to think differently than they otherwise might? Do you want them to take action? If so, have you told them what they need to do?
• When you give a speech in real time, focus on your audience instead of yourself. Speak to individuals whose body language signals that they are receptive to your message. For every person you connect with, you collect two dozen or so who are sitting nearby and believe that you’re speaking directly to them.

Once you’ve learned out to speak, your next development opportunity awaits: Your ability to listen.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

Joe had been out of bounds for years. Why had it taken so long for his boss to blow the whistle? Avoidance, plain and simple. And everyone played a part. Co-workers were afraid to confront Joe directly so they did a end around and complained to his boss. The boss didn’t want to lose his top money maker, so the boss didn’t confront Joe. Joe pleaded innocent, with a “nobody ever told me!” defense because, remarkably,  no one ever did. Was that enough to get him off the hook? Absolutely not. Joe lacked self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and a reasonable notion of what “acceptable” means.

There are ham handed, loud mouthed, overbearing Joes and Jills (and Alice and Phils) in many companies. If you’re doing your best to just stay out of their way, you’re not enjoying your work or working to your potential. What can you do?

Invite Joe to lunch. Tell him that you’d like to discuss some workplace issues. Find a place public enough to limit an outburst, private enough to discuss the problem, and social enough to relax the tension.

Set the stage by relating a recent incident that involved you both and why you’re concerned about it. Describe his  behavior; your response to it; and the negative consequences that followed. Clarify what you want from him going forward. If it’s as basic as wanting respect, be sure that you state it.

This isn’t going to be lunchtime for the faint of heart. You’re looking for a win-win (anything else is lose-lose) and you’ll have to stay at the table if you want to accomplish that. You’ll have to listen to Joe. You’ll have no control over his reactions to what you’re saying. You can only control your responses to him.  If he fumes and pounds the table, don’t fold, hold steady. Wait for his anger to subside before continuing. If you’re at an impasse, set a time to meet again. Repeat the outcome you seek and settle for nothing less than civility.

Is it worth the effort? Is it easier to let it go, and let Joe be a jerk?

Sure, it’s always easier to take a pass. Until it happens again, and again, and over time you realize that your gut tightens every time you see the guy, that you can’t do your best work when he’s in the room, and that he’s intimidating you by just showing up.

You may not change Joe’s behavior but you will have confronted it in an honest and straightforward way. You’ve done your job. Now, it’s up to the boss.

OK, Boss, it’s your turn. You probably have plenty of reasons to not confront good ol’ Joe or you would have done it a long time ago. The question is, can you ethically or morally justify those reasons in light of Joe’s intimidating your other employees?  You may have been procrastinating, hoping the problem would go away. Clearly, it hasn’t and it won’t. You may have gone to the owner with your concerns, hoping he (or she) would take care of it. That hasn’t happened, either. The longer you wait the greater the damage.

Talk to Joe. Set the record straight. Tell him, clearly, unequivocally, what you expect of him and everyone in the company regarding mutual respect and civility, and that anything less violates company standards. (If you haven’t already, include this in your policy manual.) Explain the consequences for breaching the boundaries of acceptable behavior. Follow up and follow through. That’s what accountable and responsible people do.

Whoa, Joe. You can rant and rave all day that nobody told you how to behave and that you’re a victim in all this but I’m not buying it. You’ve been getting away with a self-serving attitude that you’ve justified by saying you’re doing it for your customers. It’s been for you, Joe. Give it up. If this boss doesn’t fire you, another one will.

A: I asked several local retailers their take on the subject and received a variety of responses from them. Here’s a sampling:

“It’s important that the store establish clear return policies, that all sales associates are aware of those policies and that all customers are treated equally. Management has to have back bone and not roll over when dealing with particularly difficult customers.”

Another storeowner suggests that you “find out what the customer really wants, which can be different from what they first tell you. There’s usually room to negotiate. When there’s not, you have to assess your risk. If what you’ll lose is greater than what you’ll gain, fold.”

A reaction that got my attention was the store manager who said, “if I’ve done all that is reasonable and acceptable and the customer begins to threaten me, I call over a sales associate to witnesses and document the encounter. I ask the customer to review the report and sign it as a fair and accurate representation of what has been said, which I then turn over to our company attorney. When the customer sees that strong-arm tactics don’t intimidate me, he or she usually backs off. We have a loyal following of customers who do repeat business with us, so what I’m describing is a highly unusual occurrence. But when it does happen, we’re ready.”

Here are a few responses that take us in a totally different direction:

“If sales and service associates and their managers were to handle the situation better at the outset it wouldn’t escalate to the point that the store owner would have to enter the fray.”

And this from a sales person: “We follow the rules that we’ve been given and don’t give in to customers whose requests are totally out of line. What typically happens is that the customer gets angry and wants to talk to the manager. The manager comes over and gives in. That makes us look bad in the eyes of the customer. No wonder they pitch a fit; they know some higher up is going to give in to them.”

The majority indicated that there has to be give and take on the part of both the retailer and the customer so that each can feel whole, or at least not harmed, as a result of a difficult exchange.

As anyone who works with the public knows, there are a wide variety of customers to serve.  Most are pleasant, honest people who treat others with respect and want the same in return. Some are not so pleasant or honest, and that’s how it goes. If retail sales and service is the job you’ve signed on to do, it’s up to you to figure out how to deal appropriately with all your customers, not just the ones you like.

In all likelihood, you’ll receive training on the basics of the product you sell. If you need more help, ask for it. It’s less likely you’ll be taught the rules of good customer and quality service. Your boss will probably assume you have the good manners and good sense to relate to all customers in ways that are responsible and appropriate.

You’re paid to determine your customer’s needs, to match your product to that need, and to follow through with service that encourages the customer to buy again and often, and to bring friends with money.

Your effectiveness and success is based upon more than product and pricing knowledge. It’s determined by your ability to connect emotionally and intelligently with the customer. To do it all, takes attention and desire. In other words, you’ve got to care. If you don’t, the consuming public would rather you do something else with your professional life.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

If you’re like me, there are times in life when nothing seems to make sense.  And maybe, like me, you stew and fret and figure and mull – all in an attempt to get the nonsense to make a teeny little bit of sense.

Because if you can understand it, you can make it fit into your general overview of How Life Works.

Psychologists call this your Sense Of Coherence, a phrase coined by Aaron Antonovsky in the late ’70s – “The extent to which one has a pervasive, enduring though dynamic feeling of confidence that one’s environment is predictable and that things will work out as well as can reasonably be expected.”

If you have a strong Sense of Coherence, you’re less likely to suffer from stress and can avoid all the resulting illnesses that arise from stress. You have a sense of well-being.  Happiness.  Joy, even.  Making sense of stuff, then, is a really good thing.

But what about The Fizzie People?  That’s no psychological term – that’s what I call people who have a disordered sense of coherence. Remember Fizzies?  They were flavored tablets which you added to a glass of water to get a fruity-flavored, extremely bubbly drink.  But the drink tasted weird, bubbled and bubbled, and ultimately generated a very largish burp. Which was hilarious in third grade.  Not so funny now.

Fizzie People bubble and bubble, and leave a bad taste in other people’s mouths.  They find even ordinary events overwhelming, baffling and puzzling, and often live chaotic, destructive, drama-filled lives.

There are a whole bunch of things that make no sense to me – people who abandon or hurt their children, people who hurt other people’s children, men who hate women, women who hate men, premeditated murder, knowingly allowing harm to happen – none of this computes in my noggin.

And I will admit that I have spent plenty of time trying to find a Sense of Coherence around things people do that are, generally, quite incoherent.

Until it occurred to me this week:  the only way to understand something truly incoherent is to accept that it is, at its core, incoherent, and therefore only makes sense because it makes no sense.

OK, that sounds like a 3am bathtub conversation in the freshman dorm.  Let me make it easier:  If you keep saying, “This makes no sense!  This is crazy!”  then it’s probably crazy and will never make sense. So why invest any energy in trying to make any sense of it?  Mulling, stewing, fretting and attempting to explain the inexplicable is a sure-fire way to destroy your own Sense of Coherence.

I’ve decided from now on to save myself the trouble.  Paraphrasing the immortal words of The Talking Heads: I’m going to “Stop Trying To Make Sense.”

It’s unconditional, radical acceptance that not every problem in the world can be solved, and not every problem is mine to solve.  Want to join me?  Then let’s accept, and give a lot of space to, Fizzie People.  They live incoherent lives, the poor dears, and they could use some specific professional psychological help to grow their sense of coherence and well-being. I said “professional” and “psychological” – which probably doesn’t mean you or me.

Save your energy.  Understand what you understand.  Be healthy.  Be well.  And keep the Fizzies at bay.

***

Michele Woodward (www.lifeframeworks.com) is a Master Certified Coach, author, speaker and teacher, who helps people get clear about who they are and what they want to do – and develop a workable action plan to get where they want to go. She is the author of Lose Weight, Find Love, De-Clutter & Save Money: Essays on Happier Living, available at Amazon.com and is the founder of Career Invention Coach Training (www.careerinvention.com) – focused on training coaches to understand the new rules of work –  and Kick Ass Mentoring (www.kickassmentoring.com) – a marketing training program for coaches. She’s thrived in a number of high-level, high-pressure positions – at The White House, in corporate America – and has served as an advisor to entrepreneurs.  Michele is a sought-after speaker, leads a number of workshops and classes, teaches in Martha Beck’s well regarded coach training program, and writes a popular blog.

American business and industry are known for having more workplace stress, abuse, and violence than our counterparts in other developed nations. The simple explanation is that we are more competitive, entrepreneurial, and bottom line. We seem to like that. Not that we are violent,  but that we are competitive. Stress is the norm.

Add to that mix, our recent and increasing drive to do it all faster, with fewer people, so that we can make more money. Little wonder that stress, the feeling, has turned into abuse, the behavior.

What does it look and sound like? Probably like home, on a really bad day. Gone are the company manners, and replacing them are the screamers and tantrum throwers.

What happens next depends on the organization. In some, the “disgruntled” are removed quickly and quietly, never to be spoken of again. Sometimes the abuser becomes the scapegoat and is shunned. Sometimes they are ignored or tolerated. On occasion, abuse turns violent, and becomes the lead story on the 6 o’clock news.

What’s acceptable anger and what’s abusive behavior? The answer lies in degrees.

You all have those days when nothing goes right, inside or outside the office, and your defense mechanisms jam. You lose it,  expletives flying and steam released, until you can collect yourself  and return to your regular programming.

If it happens once in a great while and you’re otherwise considered a great performer, all is forgiven. They call you “human” and “normal”; like they know. That’s acceptable.

If you are typically over the top, allowing your frustrations and impatience to spew all over the office and splatter its human contents, you are uniformly considered a jerk, and worse. That’s abusive and unacceptable.

What should you do when someone loses it all over you? Don’t jump in the mix with them. It doesn’t make sense to argue with or attempt to mollify someone who’s acting out. Give the person space and time to work it off. Their temper is typically self directed or situation directed, and not directed at you. Go about your business.  Obviously, if  they are threatening themselves or others, get help immediately. If they are abusive, let your management know. Abusive behavior is dysfunctional and unacceptable in a public workplace.

Abusive behavior is unacceptable for more reasons than the discomfort that it creates. When these excesses are tolerated, there is  higher absenteeism and increased turnover. Employee safety,  company security, and product quality are affected. And if  you’re sensitive to the bottom line, that hurts.

Before you wrap this up and put it away, what are you treating; the symptoms or the cause? Are abusive employees, who have managed to get you angry, distracting you from recognizing the systemic workplace problems that are at issue?

If you will objectively listen to what they’re saying instead of how they’re saying it you’ll have a chance to solve both problems.

In the 1990′s, W. Edwards Deming boosted business recovery when he incorporated the principles of Total Quality Control into American factories and government. When these principles were systematically practiced and the standards of workplace behavior were changed from negative to positive, the resulting  behaviors changed accordingly.

Make it easy to remember:

Break the code of silence and confront abusive behaviors.

Involve employees in decisions that affect them.

Resolve employee issues rather than avoid them.

Replace employee fear with trust.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

If your employees are unclear about the assignment or the manner in which you want it done, they’ll do one of three things: figure it out and do it right; figure it out and do it wrong; wait until you figure out that they didn’t figure it out.

Then you’ll do one of three things: Give another assignment to the one who did it right; tell the one who did it wrong to do it again; tell the one who didn’t do anything to get it done.

The one who got it right the first time will get it right the second time. The one who did it wrong will get a second chance to do it wrong. The one who didn’t do anything won’t do anything.

Then you’ll do one of three things: You’ll give three more jobs to the one who did it right. You’ll yell at the one who’s done it wrong twice. You’ll ask the one who didn’t do anything to run a few errands and get you some coffee.

Before you know it, six months will have passed. The one who gets it right is doing the work of both the one who does it wrong and the one who doesn’t do anything but run a few errands and get you coffee.

By the end of the year, the one who gets it right has joined the competition. They’ve given him a big  promotion and a salary increase. The one who gets it wrong has posted for a transfer and accused you of verbal harassment.  The one who doesn’t do anything but run errands has opened a messenger service and has signed a lucrative contract with your company.

If you tell employees more than they need or want to know, they feel micro managed. If you tell them less, they think you’ve set them up to fail.  Your challenge is in knowing who needs how much of what.

How do you manage that?

Ask. Don’t tell. Ask people what they need before telling them what you think they ought to know. Individuals intake and process information differently. For example:

You’re a big picture person. You describe your expectations in vague yet optimistic language.

“There’s nothing to getting this job done. Just take a whack at it. Piece of cake!”

If the person you’re addressing is, like you, a big picture optimist, he’s off and running, confident in his ability to get the job done. What can go wrong? what you get isn’t what you envisioned it would be, and you say so. The employee is frustrated that you’ve not been more clear.

Same story. You’ve described an assignment in vague and minimal terms. The person you’re talking to needs details, a starting point, steps along the way. You brush the request aside as unimportant. What will you get in return? Little to nothing. Not knowing where to start, nothing gets done. The employee is discouraged about her ability to be successful in the job.

Change scenario.

You are a manager who is very clear about your expectations and precise about how you want the job done. You spell out each step in detail, leaving no room for guesswork. You’ve had problems in the past so you point out the pitfalls of the assignment. What can happen? Mixed bag. If the employee is hungry for what you’ve provided, you’ll get what you wanted. If the employee is creative, she’ll feel stifled by your restrictions. She’ll either do it her way, which won’t be your way, or she’ll get involved in another project that gives her what she wants.

There’s no way you’ll know what’s best for employees unless you ask them. If what they need is different from what you like to deliver, find a place that satisfies everyone. That will only come when you are willing to include their thinking in your resolution.

Bottom line, you want employees who will get the job done and stay around long enough to contribute to the company in significant ways. If they do it right, you’re doing it right, and if all of you like what you do, and your boss does too, you’ll all get to stay around.

And that’s it, plain and simple.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started her own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com

Facilitators allow for productive and efficient meetings.  Leaders can fully participate in the meeting while the facilitator manages the ebb and flow of the meeting.

The types of meetings that often benefit from a facilitator are:

• Brainstorming sessions
• Meetings to build consensus
• Work sessions to achieve specific deliverables
• Visioning sessions
• Talent management discussions
• Team development meetings
• Strategy sessions

A trained facilitator can provide a skilled resource to keep time, keep on task, facilitate conversations, move through conflict, capture notes and let you focus your attention on the meeting’s agenda and purpose.  Without someone playing the facilitation role, group work can degenerate quickly into an interesting conversation that goes nowhere.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive Coach Melodie Howard in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Melodie Howard’s firm, In Perspective Consulting, focuses on designing and executing sustainable systems for development. Her particular specialties are: succession planning, corporate values, performance management systems, senior leadership competency development, executive coaching, 360o feedback and talent management. Melodie’s previous experience includes serving as the Group Director of Organizational Development for leading international re-insurance company, Partner Reinsurance, Ltd., based in Hamilton, Bermuda. She continues to work with them on a retained consultancy basis. Prior to her role at PartnerRe, Melodie spent 16 years at the Center for Creative Leadership in both operational and profit and loss responsibility roles. Melodie received her Master’s of Science in Organization Development from Pepperdine University in August of 2000 and a B.S. in Psychology from Guilford College in 1980. You can find Melodie’s profile on TheCoachingAssociation.com.

Conflict is inevitable. A certain amount of it is productive. However, not many managers like it and few more know how to understand and manage it comfortably and confidently.

Conflict often starts with a lack of shared assumptions. Resolving conflict begins with surfacing those assumptions and building shared understanding.

Conflict is resolved when all of parties’ needs, interests, and motivations are known and interests are aligned. Using interactive facilitation techniques, the assumptions can be surfaced and addressed directly.

Learning to Manage Conflict

Oftentimes we gloss over negative interactions we have with people. Maybe there’s no time to talk through the issues, or quite possibly we aren’t comfortable “going there.” At the same time, intuitively we know that addressing them directly is the right thing to do. The question is, “Why don’t we do more to resolve our conflicts?” Instead we often adopt the passive attitude of hoping it will just go away.

Conflict Checklist:

• In the last month, I’ve put off at least one difficult conversation with someone because I’m simply too tired to think about it.
• When I give someone corrective feedback, I tend to soften the message. I don’t want to insult them.
• I’m happy to engage with someone about a conflict they may have with me, I’m just less apt to initiate the conversation.
• I’m worried about damaging my relationship with this person if I tell them what I really think.
• I don’t want to have conflict because it might get out of control.

Typical Scenarios:

“I have an employee who is a key contributor in my group. He’s always pushing for a promotion. He’s doing well, but he’s just not quite ready. I don’t know what to say to him because I don’t want him to leave.”

Resolving Conflict Scenario 1: Monique

Monique manages Dan, who is always pressing for more responsibility and wants to be promoted. Dan currently isn’t quite meeting the standards of his current job, but he’s an incredible technical expert. He just needs to learn more about the company, and ensure his projects are more complete before a potential promotion. He’s impatient and occasionally hints about leaving if something isn’t done. Monique really wants to hold on to him, and is afraid that if she tells him no, that he’ll quit and he’s her best technical guy. She knows that waiting only makes her more anxious and sends mixed signals to Dan, but she keeps avoiding having the conversation.

Executive Coaching Approach

• Interview Monique regarding Dan and his aspirations for more work. Help her determine if he’s working at the right level and ensure she’s clear on his goals.
• Help her identify exactly what she needs from him and how to make productive requests without avoiding or worrying that it will cause Dan to leave.
• Help Monique formulate her communication with Dan. Ensure she is able to help Dan take on developing himself and in clearly seeing his path.
• Help them set measureable goals and track progress.

“My team is working on a new project. They are acting like little kids! Someone is in my office every other day complaining about another team member. They are driving me to distraction. Can’t they just do their jobs?”

Resolving Conflict Scenario 2: Thomas

Thomas works with a new team on a complex project. Team members are incredibly busy and most days, he experiences fleeting conversations in a rushed atmosphere. It’s unfortunate, though, because key members of the team are missing deadlines. And, no one seems to be holding himself or herself accountable. The finger pointing and blaming have started to get out of control. Thomas is concerned his own reputation is going to be damaged if he doesn’t address it soon. Yet, he cannot understand why they don’t all just get along and do their jobs and hopes this is going to settle down soon. Someone is in his office every other day talking about one of the other team members.

Executive Coaching Approach

• Initiate a candid conversation with Thomas regarding the nature of his concerns about the team.
• Help him identify what he needs from his team and how to make productive requests of them without avoiding the issues.
• Educate Thomas on strategies he can immediately take back to their work environment that will help them deal with conflict more directly.
• Prepare him for the discussion with his staff. Ensure he shifts the burden of problem solving where it needs to lie and establishes firm accountability.
• Help him set measurable goals and track progress.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Melodie Howard’s firm, In Perspective Consulting, focuses on designing and executing sustainable systems for development. Her particular specialties are: succession planning, corporate values, performance management systems, senior leadership competency development, executive coaching, 360o feedback and talent management. Melodie’s previous experience includes serving as the Group Director of Organizational Development for leading international re-insurance company, Partner Reinsurance, Ltd., based in Hamilton, Bermuda. She continues to work with them on a retained consultancy basis. Prior to her role at PartnerRe, Melodie spent 16 years at the Center for Creative Leadership in both operational and profit and loss responsibility roles. Melodie received her Master’s of Science in Organization Development from Pepperdine University in August of 2000 and a B.S. in Psychology from Guilford College in 1980. You can find Melodie’s profile on TheCoachingAssociation.com.

In times such as these, it helps to be reminded that active listening – when you mirror and reflect back to people what you hear – offers the best chance of reaching someone.

Mark Goulston’s Persuasion Cycle

In Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, psychiatrist Mark Goulston explains that persuasion moves through a cycle:

1. From resisting to listening
2. From listening to considering
3. From considering to willing to do
4. From willing to do to doing
5. From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

Buy-in begins when people move from resisting to listening to considering what you’re saying. How do you get a person to go from the critical stage of resisting to listening? First, you listen to them.

The Three-Part Brain

Our brains evolved from lower animals:

• Our primitive reptilian brain remains responsible for split-second survival reactions (i.e., the “freeze, fight or flight” response).  Early in my career, I remember a mentor pointing out to me that there was a certain work situation that consistently sent me back to my reptilian brain.  Wow, that was tough to hear, but I knew exactly what he meant when he said it – stimulus and response and nothing else.
• The middle mammalian brain is the seat of emotions, where the inner drama queen reigns.  This brain can be overwhelming sometimes.  Completely taking over.
• The upper primate/human brain weighs a situation logically and generates a conscious plan of action. It collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, analyzes it, and makes practical, ethical decisions.

To a small extent, these three brains work together, but they also function independently, especially under stress. This is what happens when people shift, becoming difficult and hard to reach.

The Amygdala Hijack

The amygdala is a part of the brain that processes memory and emotional reactions (especially fear and anger).

When it takes over, the primitive reptile brain runs the show, and surges of adrenaline keep us from thinking clearly over the next few minutes — an effect that may take hours to fade.

The term “amygdala hijack,” first coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, author of the 1995 best seller, Emotional Intelligence, refers to what happens under acute stress.

When you try to reason with someone in a full amygdala hijack, you’re wasting your time. You must speak to him before the hijack occurs — or talk him down from it using empathy.

Mirror Neurons

Years ago, when scientists were studying Macaque monkeys’ brains, they found that specific nerve cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. To their surprise, these same cells fired when one monkey watched another perform these acts.

When the brain’s “mirror neurons” fire, we have the ability to feel what the other person is experiencing. These cells are nature’s way of teaching us to care about other people.

Goulston suggests that many of us suffer a “mirror neuron receptor deficit.” CEOs and managers feel they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility, or worse, no response at all. Their brains don’t get enough mirror neuron receptor activity. In other words, there’s not enough empathy going around the office.

Move from “Uh-oh” to “OK”

In a stressful encounter, you may have less than two minutes to gain control and salvage the situation.

Goulston recommends a five-step mental process, whether you’re dealing with a fender-bender, enraged teenager or work situation:

1. “Uh-Oh!” (Reaction Phase): “This is a disaster. I’m in trouble. It’s all over.”
2. “Oh, No!” (Release Phase): “This is a huge mess. I’m stuck with it. Why me?”
3. “Oh, Jeez!” (Re-Center Phase): “I can fix this, but it’s not going to be fun.”
4. “Oh, Well…” (Refocus Stage): “I’m not going to let this ruin my career/day/relationship. Here’s what I need to do right now to make it better.”
5. “OK.” (Reengage Phase): “OK, I’m ready to fix this. Let’s go.”

Rewire Yourself to Listen

Many of us don’t listen well, especially when it comes to the people we deal with regularly. We’ve gotten used to their patterns and their perspectives and we think we already know what they’re going to say.

When we size people up instantly, we form some pretty good first impressions. The problem is, these impressions last forever, and many are a jumbled mix of fact, fiction, prejudice and unconscious intuitions.

We use filters to put people in mental boxes before we really know them based on things like: gender, age, ethnicity, education level, accent, appearance, mannerisms, etc.  Really listening means checking those filters to make room for what someone is saying.

Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can change the dynamics of a relationship. In that instant, you “get” each other, and this breakthrough leads to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication.

When you mirror what another person feels, she’s hardwired to mirror you in return. When you say, “I understand what you’re feeling” — and you mean it — she will feel grateful and, in return, express her appreciation with a desire to understand you. It’s an irresistible biological urge that pulls another person toward you.

Phrases for Difficult Conversations

Here are some suggested phrases to help someone feel “felt”:

“I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling.  I think it’s (fill in an emotion). Is that what you’re feeling?” Listen without judgment or comment.

“What are you feeling?”

“How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Allow the person to vent.

“And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset) is because (repeat back to them what they’ve told you).” Again, let the person vent.

“Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” Listen without judgment or argument.

“What part can I play in making this happen? What part are you willing to play?”

These are just some common ideas about listening.  The point is to use these phrases as a way to practice and as a guide.  To take our listening skills beyond the intuitive takes focus and practice – just like any other skill you want to improve.

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Yes! You may use this article by TheCoachingAssociation.com Executive Director Barbara Demarest in your company newsletter, blog or website as long as you add the following bio box:

Barbara Demarest (www.barbarademarest.com) received her MBA from the Babcock School of Management at Wake Forest University and her BA from Duke University. After 20 years at the Center for Creative Leadership, Barbara launched a strategy consulting practice focusing on people leading change in associations, foundations, universities, nonprofits and knowledge businesses.  You can find Barbara’s executive coaching profile on www.thecoachingassociation.com.

“Everybody tells me what to do; from my mother to my manager. You’d think I didn’t have a brain in my head. Why can’t people just keep their opinions to themselves and let me do my job?”

“The only time I get any feedback is at my annual review, which I get every eighteen months to two years, if I’m lucky. Even then, it’s sketchy, abstract, and I don’t know what to do with it. Next thing you know, I’m let go, and I didn’t see it coming.”

Feedback. If more people knew how, what, and why to give it and more people knew how to do something with it, everyone and the bottom line would benefit.

Whether you’ve been into feedback avoidance, or you’re known as Attila the Feedback Giver, this framework should help you to prepare for and deliver feedback more effectively:

Approach your feedback meeting with the assumption that you don’t know everything; therefore, you don’t have all the answers.

Allow time for give and take. You’re heading into a discussion with someone who will provide you perspectives that you don’t have.

Develop an outline:

• What’s your goal?

Why are you giving this feedback?
What do you want to achieve by giving it?

• What exactly is the problem?

Who is it about?
What is it about?
How does it relate to the person you are giving feedback to?

• Who solves the problem?

Whose responsibility is it?
How much authority has this person in solving the problem?

• What are the available options?

What are the pros and cons of each option?
Who will benefit and how and at what cost?

• What’s the action plan?

Who’s going to solve the problem or meet the challenge?
What do they need to get it done?
How will you measure their progress?
How will you know if and when the problem is solved?

Despite careful planning and candid acknowledgment that giving objective and timely feedback makes sense, many employers “choke” when it comes to providing it.

• They fear negative reactions and don’t want to deal with them.
• They think they don’t have time to do it right, so they wait until they do. They won’t and they don’t.
• They believe it’s faster to fix the problem themselves.
• They complain that people are unpredictable. They’d rather work with widgets.

The rubber abruptly meets the road when these same bosses get deep-sixed with the very feedback that they avoided giving. Because they got it too late, they may lose their jobs.

Vicious cycle, isn’t it.

Good supervisors, managers, leaders provide feedback to enable their employees to grow and develop in their positions, to take on increasing levels of responsibility and authority, to free their bosses to accomplish the goals for which they are accountable.

Feedback, when delivered appropriately, benefits everyone.

It must be provided on a consistent basis and in a climate that is safe and supportive.

It’s a two way street. Give it and get it. Model it by asking your employees two questions:

What do you want me to do more?

What would you like me to do less?

Listen to what you are being told. Probe for deeper understanding. Ask for examples that would help you see the point that is being made. Rather than appearing to defend your behavior, learn why doing it differently would benefit others.

Providing and receiving feedback can be habit forming. When compared to other addictions, this is one with positive side effects that builds, rather than tears down, human capital.

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Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started he own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.