In times such as these, it helps to be reminded that active listening – when you mirror and reflect back to people what you hear – offers the best chance of reaching someone.

Mark Goulston’s Persuasion Cycle

In Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, psychiatrist Mark Goulston explains that persuasion moves through a cycle:

1. From resisting to listening
2. From listening to considering
3. From considering to willing to do
4. From willing to do to doing
5. From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

Buy-in begins when people move from resisting to listening to considering what you’re saying. How do you get a person to go from the critical stage of resisting to listening? First, you listen to them.

The Three-Part Brain

Our brains evolved from lower animals:

• Our primitive reptilian brain remains responsible for split-second survival reactions (i.e., the “freeze, fight or flight” response).  Early in my career, I remember a mentor pointing out to me that there was a certain work situation that consistently sent me back to my reptilian brain.  Wow, that was tough to hear, but I knew exactly what he meant when he said it – stimulus and response and nothing else.
• The middle mammalian brain is the seat of emotions, where the inner drama queen reigns.  This brain can be overwhelming sometimes.  Completely taking over.
• The upper primate/human brain weighs a situation logically and generates a conscious plan of action. It collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, analyzes it, and makes practical, ethical decisions.

To a small extent, these three brains work together, but they also function independently, especially under stress. This is what happens when people shift, becoming difficult and hard to reach.

The Amygdala Hijack

The amygdala is a part of the brain that processes memory and emotional reactions (especially fear and anger).

When it takes over, the primitive reptile brain runs the show, and surges of adrenaline keep us from thinking clearly over the next few minutes — an effect that may take hours to fade.

The term “amygdala hijack,” first coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, author of the 1995 best seller, Emotional Intelligence, refers to what happens under acute stress.

When you try to reason with someone in a full amygdala hijack, you’re wasting your time. You must speak to him before the hijack occurs — or talk him down from it using empathy.

Mirror Neurons

Years ago, when scientists were studying Macaque monkeys’ brains, they found that specific nerve cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. To their surprise, these same cells fired when one monkey watched another perform these acts.

When the brain’s “mirror neurons” fire, we have the ability to feel what the other person is experiencing. These cells are nature’s way of teaching us to care about other people.

Goulston suggests that many of us suffer a “mirror neuron receptor deficit.” CEOs and managers feel they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility, or worse, no response at all. Their brains don’t get enough mirror neuron receptor activity. In other words, there’s not enough empathy going around the office.

Move from “Uh-oh” to “OK”

In a stressful encounter, you may have less than two minutes to gain control and salvage the situation.

Goulston recommends a five-step mental process, whether you’re dealing with a fender-bender, enraged teenager or work situation:

1. “Uh-Oh!” (Reaction Phase): “This is a disaster. I’m in trouble. It’s all over.”
2. “Oh, No!” (Release Phase): “This is a huge mess. I’m stuck with it. Why me?”
3. “Oh, Jeez!” (Re-Center Phase): “I can fix this, but it’s not going to be fun.”
4. “Oh, Well…” (Refocus Stage): “I’m not going to let this ruin my career/day/relationship. Here’s what I need to do right now to make it better.”
5. “OK.” (Reengage Phase): “OK, I’m ready to fix this. Let’s go.”

Rewire Yourself to Listen

Many of us don’t listen well, especially when it comes to the people we deal with regularly. We’ve gotten used to their patterns and their perspectives and we think we already know what they’re going to say.

When we size people up instantly, we form some pretty good first impressions. The problem is, these impressions last forever, and many are a jumbled mix of fact, fiction, prejudice and unconscious intuitions.

We use filters to put people in mental boxes before we really know them based on things like: gender, age, ethnicity, education level, accent, appearance, mannerisms, etc.  Really listening means checking those filters to make room for what someone is saying.

Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can change the dynamics of a relationship. In that instant, you “get” each other, and this breakthrough leads to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication.

When you mirror what another person feels, she’s hardwired to mirror you in return. When you say, “I understand what you’re feeling” — and you mean it — she will feel grateful and, in return, express her appreciation with a desire to understand you. It’s an irresistible biological urge that pulls another person toward you.

Phrases for Difficult Conversations

Here are some suggested phrases to help someone feel “felt”:

“I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling.  I think it’s (fill in an emotion). Is that what you’re feeling?” Listen without judgment or comment.

“What are you feeling?”

“How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Allow the person to vent.

“And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset) is because (repeat back to them what they’ve told you).” Again, let the person vent.

“Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” Listen without judgment or argument.

“What part can I play in making this happen? What part are you willing to play?”

These are just some common ideas about listening.  The point is to use these phrases as a way to practice and as a guide.  To take our listening skills beyond the intuitive takes focus and practice – just like any other skill you want to improve.

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Yes! You may use this article by TheCoachingAssociation.com Executive Director Barbara Demarest in your company newsletter, blog or website as long as you add the following bio box:

Barbara Demarest (www.barbarademarest.com) received her MBA from the Babcock School of Management at Wake Forest University and her BA from Duke University. After 20 years at the Center for Creative Leadership, Barbara launched a strategy consulting practice focusing on people leading change in associations, foundations, universities, nonprofits and knowledge businesses.  You can find Barbara’s executive coaching profile on www.thecoachingassociation.com.

“Everybody tells me what to do; from my mother to my manager. You’d think I didn’t have a brain in my head. Why can’t people just keep their opinions to themselves and let me do my job?”

“The only time I get any feedback is at my annual review, which I get every eighteen months to two years, if I’m lucky. Even then, it’s sketchy, abstract, and I don’t know what to do with it. Next thing you know, I’m let go, and I didn’t see it coming.”

Feedback. If more people knew how, what, and why to give it and more people knew how to do something with it, everyone and the bottom line would benefit.

Whether you’ve been into feedback avoidance, or you’re known as Attila the Feedback Giver, this framework should help you to prepare for and deliver feedback more effectively:

Approach your feedback meeting with the assumption that you don’t know everything; therefore, you don’t have all the answers.

Allow time for give and take. You’re heading into a discussion with someone who will provide you perspectives that you don’t have.

Develop an outline:

• What’s your goal?

Why are you giving this feedback?
What do you want to achieve by giving it?

• What exactly is the problem?

Who is it about?
What is it about?
How does it relate to the person you are giving feedback to?

• Who solves the problem?

Whose responsibility is it?
How much authority has this person in solving the problem?

• What are the available options?

What are the pros and cons of each option?
Who will benefit and how and at what cost?

• What’s the action plan?

Who’s going to solve the problem or meet the challenge?
What do they need to get it done?
How will you measure their progress?
How will you know if and when the problem is solved?

Despite careful planning and candid acknowledgment that giving objective and timely feedback makes sense, many employers “choke” when it comes to providing it.

• They fear negative reactions and don’t want to deal with them.
• They think they don’t have time to do it right, so they wait until they do. They won’t and they don’t.
• They believe it’s faster to fix the problem themselves.
• They complain that people are unpredictable. They’d rather work with widgets.

The rubber abruptly meets the road when these same bosses get deep-sixed with the very feedback that they avoided giving. Because they got it too late, they may lose their jobs.

Vicious cycle, isn’t it.

Good supervisors, managers, leaders provide feedback to enable their employees to grow and develop in their positions, to take on increasing levels of responsibility and authority, to free their bosses to accomplish the goals for which they are accountable.

Feedback, when delivered appropriately, benefits everyone.

It must be provided on a consistent basis and in a climate that is safe and supportive.

It’s a two way street. Give it and get it. Model it by asking your employees two questions:

What do you want me to do more?

What would you like me to do less?

Listen to what you are being told. Probe for deeper understanding. Ask for examples that would help you see the point that is being made. Rather than appearing to defend your behavior, learn why doing it differently would benefit others.

Providing and receiving feedback can be habit forming. When compared to other addictions, this is one with positive side effects that builds, rather than tears down, human capital.

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Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since she started he own practice in 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

1. The public wants to know what’s happening and what the President’s doing about it. They want to know his command of the issues; how aware, involved, and decisive he is regarding critical events and breaking news.

2. The more often the President meets the press and the public, the more on top of issues he has to be.

Political advisors aside, that’s sound advice for anyone in charge of anything. It’s of particular importance to people who have information that impacts the lives of others.

Why is it important to inform others, consistently, concisely, yet comprehensively, of events and plans that affect them?

The answer appears self-evident, yet those responsible for the telling (and who should know better) are too often missing in action.

What keeps leadership and management from stepping up?

Let’s examine the more obvious reasons, and deal with them one at a time:

• They don’t know what’s going on.
• They don’t know what to do with what’s going on.
• There’s so much going on they don’t know where to begin.
• They don’t know how their employees will act if they tell them what’s going on.
• Their employees might have some strong opinions about what’s going on.

They don’t know what’s going on: Well meaning employers can over delegate what they are least interested in doing or knowing, entrusting others with more decision-making authority than they should have. When the buck stops it’s on the wrong desk. Employers need to understand what’s happening and anticipate the consequences that flow from the information they’re getting.

They don’t know what to do with what’s going on: When employers and their managers feel overwhelmed by the mass and speed of changing events, they get stuck between where they’ve been and where they need to go. If they prefer the tactical to the strategic, they’re putting out fires without identifying the cause of the blaze. Savvy leaders think and act strategically and analytically. They maintain vision and perspective as they unravel and simplify the complexities of cause and effect. They communicate that understanding to tactical managers and their employees, who fix what’s broken and get the new job done.

There’s so much going on they don’t know where to begin: Managers who procrastinate are avoiding what comes first in favor of what comes last. Effective managers dial into the issues and ignore the static. They focus their time and energy on what’s important, instead of what’s making the most noise.

They don’t know how their employees will act if they tell them what’s going on: When leaders and managers side step issues to avoid the prospect of conflict, they further complicate problems, erode trust and diminish loyalty. It takes courage, honesty, and integrity to manage employees and the information that affects them. Effective leaders and managers are knowledgeable about the choices they make and realistic about the consequences of their actions.

Employees might have strong and opposing opinions about what’s going on: If employers adapt the adage, “what they don’t know won’t hurt them,” they wrongly assume their employees live on the dark side of the moon. Today’s workers are savvy. They are highly aware of talk in the press, in the markets, and on the street. What they don’t know, they create, resulting in rumors that hurt everyone.

If employers avoid sharing information because they fear strong, negative reactions, they’re delaying the inevitable, multiplied. Whether the news is good or bad, employees want to know. They want to prepare themselves and plan, emotionally and intellectually, for what might happen. If it turns out fine, they’re relieved. If it doesn’t, they’re ready. Employees trust bosses who demonstrate consideration, compassion, and consistently tell the truth.

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Yes! You may use this article by Career and Executive Coach Joyce Richman in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.

Q: Why is 360 feedback so important?

A: 360s provide info from multiple perspectives demonstrating how effectiveness may vary across situations/groups.  The comprehensive nature of multi-rate feedback adds credibility and is more likely to get the learner’s attention.  Rater confidentiality enhances accuracy and some 360s offer verbatim comments and suggestions that the learner would not otherwise receive.  It is also important to note that using a 360-degree instrument often raises both the raters’ and the learner’s awareness of the importance of feedback generally and offers the chance to see how information in the form of feedback can add to personal development.  Feedback is also a reminder to learners to assume responsibility for their own ongoing development.  Perhaps most important, 360s provide valuable information that might propel one’s career or prevent career derailment.

Q: What is the best short-term benefit to an individual receiving 360 feedback? What is the best long-term benefit?

A: Best short-term benefit: 360 feedback shines a light on blind spots.

A: Long-term: Shifts learner into pro-active mode in managing his/her career and the necessary development effort.

Q: I’m not sure I really want to know what other people think about me. How can I prepare to face the data?

A: Ask yourself, “If you’re doing something that is ineffective or causing others problems, would you rather know about it or stay in blissful ignorance?”  Most people answer that they would rather know and be able to fix it.  Of course none of us like to hear when we are doing something ineffective, but it is naive to think that there are absolutely no areas for improvement.  So, give yourself the choice of knowing what those improvement points are and you can make a choice about what to do about it.  And remember, feedback isn’t just about weaknesses.  It is also about strengths.  You will hear all the great things that people appreciate about you and your leadership style.  That’s a good thing too!

Q: There’s so much information in a 360. How do I begin to process and prioritize the information.

A: There is a lot of information when you take on 360 feedback.  Before diving into the results, take a minute to frame where you are in your development goals.  Here are some suggested questions to ask yourself:

1. What challenges are facing me in my job in the next 9-12 months?
2. What do I need to be good at to meet these challenges successfully?
3. What do I need to be good at to be ready for my next position?

Zero in on the feedback that speaks to those competencies and create an action plan around those areas that you want to develop.

Q: Do I tell my boss or other coworkers about my 360 results?

A: After thanking them for their participation in your 360, share with what is relevant with your boss or peers.  Don’t overwhelm them and keep in mind the parts that make sense for them to know.  For example:

• highlights of what you learned in terms of strengths and development needs
• what you plan to work on, and
• how they can support you in this effort (for example being a learning partner, a source of feedback, being a cheerleader).

Just make sure to be totally comfortable with what you are sharing and be authentic about the kind of help you want to receive.

Q: What if I have to share my 360 with my boss? It’s now part of our annual review process. Any suggestions?

A: Some organizations want to cultivate a learning organization and one that tries to take any “embarrassment” out of the need for leadership development.  In organizations such as these, the idea is that the need for development is an accepted part of organizational life and that none of us comes to the table with a fully formed and relevant set of skills for every situation.  To be always learning, growing, and adapting to changing circumstances is accepted.  So, come to the meeting with your boss prepared.  Summarize what you’ve learned about your strengths and development needs. Raise any questions you have for your boss that arose from your 360 feedback. Review which competencies you think are your best opportunities for development (given your deliverables, goals and objectives, or above-mentioned challenges) and get your boss’s input. Then present a tentative development plan built around those competencies you originally identified, again for your boss to provide input and support.

Q: What if I get a lot of negative feedback? What can I do?

A: First, remember no one gets all top scores.

Second, balance your focus by paying attention to the positive as well as the negative.

Third, ask yourself if you’re really surprised by the feedback. And if so, ask yourself how you might have picked up on it sooner. Then realize that at least now you know about it and can do something about it.

Fourth, and most important, make sure you understand it. If you don’t, choose one or two people whom you respect and trust and with whom you feel comfortable to discuss what you’ve learned and what behaviors might have triggered the feedback. Ask them if they can elaborate on the feedback to help you better understand it. Ask for suggestions on what you can do differently in order to improve in the areas needing development. Get a clear picture of how you will be behaving differently in the new and improved version of you.

Q: What are the first concerns participants have when you meet with them to review their feedback? How do you address those concerns?

A: Participants are typically concerned about how comfortable they’re going to be with their feedback coaches.  And the time that it will take to comb through the feedback reports (usually close to 4 hours).  Interest in the quality of their performance ratings (if this is their first exposure to them) and the confidentiality of their feedback are often the first things mentioned by recipients. Once a cursory view of the numbers is completed, the focus then shifts to  establishing rapport, setting and managing expectations and then reminding them of the confidential nature of their data and our discussions.

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Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach Pamela Corbett in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Pamela Corbett is an executive coach, career and outplacement counselor, organizational consultant and psychotherapist with her own practice, Spectrum Psychological Services based in Winston-Salem, NC. Licensed in North Carolina and trained in clinical psychology (Penn State and Indiana University of Pennsylvania), Pam is a certified Master Practitioner of NLP and is certified in the entire suite of Career, Leadership, and Organizational Architect Tools. Pamela has been providing executive assessment, development planning, coaching, and training through her own business and as adjunct faculty with the Center for Creative Leadership since 1986. Pam’s earlier work experience includes a veterinary hospital start-up, television production, insurance claims negotiation, inpatient and outpatient psychotherapy, and teaching at Wake Forest University. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

He thought the subject was closed. He made his point. What was left to say? Plenty, apparently. He was informed that he was to apologize, immediately, to the management team, or be denied the promotion and salary increase that he had so long worked to attain.

He was willing to meet, he said, to explain his position. “Not good enough,” he was told.

“Why should I apologize?” he screamed into the ear that I was holding at a respectful distance from the telephone receiver. “Why am I the bad guy and these idiots get away with making it so? Why should my career be threatened because they don’t know the truth when it smacks them in the head and kicks them in the behind?”

“Do you want me to respond or do you want to keep venting?” I asked.

“I want to know how to answer them without feeling like I’m giving in,” he said. “I want to explain myself. I realize I was too emotional. But I won’t apologize for anything else.”

“What’s your ‘end’ in mind”” I asked. “What do you want to have happen as a result of that conversation?”

Silence. I didn’t hear him breathe.

“Good question,” he said. “And I don’t have an answer.”

I knew then he was ready to listen.

“Being ‘right’ isn’t reason enough to demand that others agree with you. Being ‘right’ isn’t sufficient cause for others to abandon their perspective.”

“OK. Maybe you’re right. What am I supposed to do? I’ve got integrity and I won’t compromise it to pander to people I don’t respect.”

“If you don’t respect the people on your team, why are you working for that company?”

“I misspoke. I do respect them. They’re smart, they’re smooth, and they’re sophisticated. To tell the truth, and I hadn’t thought about this until just now, I don’t think they respect me. That’s why I get angry.”

“Why wouldn’t they respect you?”

“Well, they went to ivy-league schools and have advanced degrees. They know how to dress, and what to say. They pick the right restaurants and choose the right wines. They’ve got class. I don’t. I didn’t get that in my house. Believe me, I wouldn’t trade my parents or my life, because that’s how I’ve gotten as far as I have, but I sure could use a little more polish.”

“What would polish do for you?”

“I’d be more patient, more understanding, I’d listen better because I wouldn’t feel like I always have to prove myself.”

“What do you have to prove?”

“That I have a right to be in the room. I have a right to a seat at the table. And I’ll fight for that right because I’ve earned it and I’m not going back to how I lived or where I lived, ever again.”

“It sounds like fighting for that right will guarantee you a ticket to where you don’t want to go.”

“Looks like it.”

“You’re smart, you’re quick, you connect the dots while others are still arranging them on the paper. You’re creative and passionate. You have everything that you need to succeed but…”

“But?”

“You have lessons to learn: There are more ways than your way to solve problems, craft visions, and initiate processes. You can be intelligent and have viewpoints that add value and not be demeaning to others. It’s about professional maturity, not social sophistication.”

“It’s about winning as a team and beating the competition instead of beating up the team and losing my chance to play.”

“You’ve got it.”

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executiveand career coaching since 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

How many situations have you made worse because you stepped in where you weren’t needed, said more when less was enough, and offered opinions when none were requested?

How many times do you wish you’d said more, because less wasn’t enough? When you wish you’d offered a kind word or a statement of support?

There is nothing heroic about speaking first if speaking last is the wiser choice. There is no grace in turning away, when everything within you says, “do something, now.”

There is no valor in taking action when none is needed; in making decisions when consideration is all that is required. There is no merit in taking control when control is not yours to take.

The answer, sometimes, is in the hesitation, the afterthought that was the right thought, after all.

A business owner complained, repeatedly, of having too much to do and not enough time to think. “I need time to set strategy,” he said. “I need time to meet with my employees and my customers. This ‘crisis management’ is killing me and killing my business.”

He called the other day. “Bummer!” he shouted, before saying hello. “Can you believe this? Our biggest project has been delayed, and now I’m sitting here with time on my hands and nothing to do. This wait is gonna’ kill me.”

When I reminded him of the strategy he so desperately wanted to set, the employees and customers he so urgently wanted to see, he didn’t respond. I asked to be sure he was still on the line.

“I’m here”, he said quietly. “I’m here.” More silence.

“I’m thinking. I’m thinking that it didn’t occur to me that this is my chance to take care of what I’ve put to the side. Gotta’ go. I’ll talk to you later.”

A few weeks passed, and he called again. He sounded great, his voice mellow, his tone relaxed. I shared my impression and asked him to account for the change.

“I didn’t realize I was so transparent, but I’m not surprised. I’ve had a great couple of weeks. I’ve had the time to do that “walk around” managing I’ve always enjoyed, and I learned more about our problems then I ever knew existed. The management and leadership teams have had meetings with production employees from each shift, so we can learn from the shop floor up, what we can do to work smarter.

We’ve gotten manufacturing, quality, sales, distribution, and customer service talking to each other, and not a minute too soon. They’re getting their problems figured out, and have scheduled time to talk with product development and marketing. Then I’ve got all of them talking with accounting, finance and legal so we can be sure to align our perspectives and positions with missions and direction.

I’m working as hard as ever but haven’t felt this good in years. I think this is what they call ‘business balance’.”

I asked if he noticed any change in the behaviors or attitudes of his employees.

“Absolutely.” he said. “Everyone seems to have more energy. They’re getting along. I didn’t realize how bad morale was until we started this.”

“And what’s the most significant change you see?” I asked.

“We’re taking time to analyze the situation and solve what the problem is, not what it appears to be. We’re taking time to listen to what people are saying, instead of assuming that we know without they’re telling us. We’re listening to our customers and responding to what they need instead of making excuses to cover the mistakes we’re making.”

If you’re like this hard-charger, you’re addicted to work and want to do it all. You won’t stop and don’t think until circumstances block your way. Then you blame yourself for the things you’ve left undone, and turn worry into problems of mythic proportion. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Take time to take charge of your life and your business. Create mental and emotional space; gain perspective by taking stock; evaluate the inventory of what you’ve learned and make principled decisions that are based on doing the right things, for the right reasons.

* * * *

Yes! You may use this article by Executive and Career Coach, Joyce Richman, in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.

These differences are not just in the way people look or dress, but also in how they think and respond to issues and other people in their place of work. The atmosphere in diverse workplaces can mirror tension over ethnic, racial, religious, gender and cultural differences prevalent in society at large. The most urgent question is not how to define and categorize diversity, but how to come up with leadership strategies that prevent or manage identity-based conflict.  The goal is to create a benefit from diversity that makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts and not to get mired in difference conflict.

Many leaders still rely strictly on charisma to gloss over differences.  Purely charismatic leaders run the risk of being ineffective in their ability to diffuse the conflicts that are brought into today’s workplace, and those conflicts will erupt eventually with detrimental effects. Ignoring them makes them worse.

There are some studies that suggest three basic characteristics of effective leaders: setting direction; aligning people, processes, and performance; and gaining commitment. A strong leader might be able to set direction by establishing and communicating a compelling vision, but getting everyone on board and going in the same direction is important too.  This may prove elusive if social identity-based conflict simmers and fosters mistrust.

There are often triggering events that bring tensions between social groups to the forefront.  It is imperative that a leader respond when these events occur.  Six examples of triggering events are:

Assimilation is a trigger when a majority group expects the non-dominant group to be more like them. Dealing with music, language, food, and personal hygiene where members of the dominant group criticized the habits of a non-dominant group.

Insults include comments such as “you people” or public embarrassment of someone in light of group membership.

Simple contact can be a trigger when groups have highly charged conflicts in society at large are brought together in the work place.

Different values – tensions often surface between members of different groups when there are discussions of right and wrong. In some organizations, employees have been assigned a task that violates a deeply-held religious belief.

Exclusion has to do with using a particular language or celebrating a particular holiday or experience that excludes others. An example would be holding an after-hours networking session in a “gentlemen’s club” with scantily clad dancers. Female or gay male staff members might be invited but wouldn’t feel comfortable going along.

Differential treatment serves to maintain one group’s privilege and power relative to another one. Examples include performance appraisals and promotions that favor one group over another and an unequal application of punishments.

One universal element seems to be that employees everywhere want to be treated with respect on an everyday basis. Awareness and apologies can also go a long way to diffusing these situations.  Leaders can be more effective if they ensure an environment in which everyone feels respected. How they do that may vary from country to country or even department to department.  Organizational policies and procedures can help alleviate conflicts, but authentic daily behavior is even more important.

The challenges today’s leaders face require more than one person can handle.  To face these challenges and succeed takes interdependent work across all kinds of boundaries.  When you work across boundaries you are working in and with diversity.  What we know is that in every country, everywhere in the world, ignoring a social identity conflict is seen as harmful and will negatively impact a leader’s ability to succeed.  So, don’t ignore these conflicts.  Seek to understand the triggers, respect those with whom you work, and find common goals.

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Yes! You may use this article by High-profile Talent Consultant and Executive Coach, Lily Kelly-Radford, in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Lily Kelly-Radford’s firm LEAP Leadership, Inc. assists clients in overcoming complex leadership challenges. A clinical psychologist, Kelly-Radford holds licensures in multiple states: North Carolina, Massachusetts, West Virginia and the District of Columbia. She received her undergraduate degree from the University of Pittsburgh and both a Master’s and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from the University of Georgia. She served as Executive Vice President- Global Leadership Development (GLD) for the Center for Creative Leadership (CCL), one of world’s top leadership development organizations. Equally at ease in Chicago or Singapore, Kelly-Radford has networked with and actively engaged in collaboration with thought-leaders at the highest levels of business and government both in the United States and abroad. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

“That? We did that.” “Been there, done that.” “Oh no, not that!”

Are they likely to be intrigued by the artifacts of our technology? Influenced by the incivility of our interactions? Impressed by the chaotic management of our business processes?

We haven’t done a great job of learning from the past and here we are, sending a message to the future. That’s taking procrastination to a whole new level.

Instead of boxing up a time capsule of errors and omissions for an unknown generation some 100 years hence; let’s create time release capsules and open them often, consistently, and over time while we can still do something about the challenges we face.

What should be included? How about:

The best ideas of the week and why they worked. Names of the people with the best ideas and how they got their points across. Names of the best implementation teams of the week and how they did what they did to deserve the honor.

Another week’s worth could be:

The biggest blindsides of the week and steps you’ve taken to correct them. The biggest blind spots you have and what you’re doing to reduce them. The biggest blinders you wear and what you’re doing to remove them.

And a third week’s worth:

The best leads of the week and who got them, the best deals of the week and who did them, the best saves of the week and who made them.

Opening the capsule now enables you to learn from an immediate past to avoid repeating errors, to confront what’s not working and replace it with what is, all while keeping an eye on future goals and objectives to achieve them.

If you don’t, you’re rehearsing mistakes to the point of forgetting that’s what they are. The most common problems you’re apt to encounter aren’t mechanical, they’re human. When a part breaks, you do whatever it takes to get it fixed. When the problem is your colleague, the human tendency is to wait, avoid, and hope the problem will go away. It won’t and will become increasingly difficult to handle.

Handle your problems now.

Keep your comments direct, descriptive, objective, and non- judgmental. Here’s an example:

You’ve become increasingly frustrated with a peer: “Our team meetings are always held on Wednesdays at 8:30 a.m. You’ve been a half hour late the last three times we’ve met. Because your project is key to our current change process we’ve not been able to begin the meeting without you. Your colleagues have indicated their frustration and it’s impacting your credibility. Let’s figure out how to make this work for everyone.”

Then use basic negotiation strategy: Get tough on the problem (and go easy on the person); find out what you don’t know; stay objective; brainstorm for solutions; decide on an action plan that benefits everyone involved.

It takes practice to get better at this “appropriate confrontation” stuff. That means starting now. Anything else is procrastination and belongs in a time capsule.

“What do you mean, I’m defensive? I’m just explaining what happened and why I did what I did!”

“That’s what I mean, you’re acting defensive. Just admit that you were rude this morning. I was in the middle of an important presentation and you cut me off.”

“Rude? How was I rude? You were taking forever. I jumped in to keep from falling asleep. Besides, how can an explanation be defensive? You’re the one who’s acting defensive because you just don’t want to hear the truth. You know who’s rude? You’re rude! I don’t know why I’m even wasting my time explaining this to you.”

Joe, you’re boldly going where you ought not to go, attempting to right a perceived wrong by arguing your way out of it. If you continue, you’ll create a bigger problem than the one you started.

“What am I supposed to do? Apologize for something that I didn’t intend, something that others balloon out of proportion?”

It’s your actions that get you in trouble, not your intentions. Actions have consequences. Apologize for the actions that you take that result in the consequences you don’t intend.

“How’s that? I don’t follow you.”

Instead of arguing, defending, or explaining, say something like, “I can understand why you felt that I was rude. I got carried away and interrupted when you were in the middle of making your point. I apologize.”

“That’s true. I did that. I got so excited I didn’t pay attention to what she was saying or what was going on around me. She’s right. I was rude. I didn’t mean to be. I’m feeling kind of embarrassed right now.”

Will you apologize?

“Sure, no problem.”

There are times you’re asked to explain things that you’d rather avoid, like “why were you let go from that job?” Cut to the chase. State what happened and describe what you learned.

“I learned two important lessons from that experience. The first: have more than one mentor in a company that’s undergoing major change, and the second: get experience in more than one area of specialization. By having more than one mentor I’ll be more aware of the influences that can impact my position. By cross training I’ll have greater flexibility and opportunity to add value, particularly if I can move from an area that’s being consolidated to one that’s expanding.”

There are times you think you’re funny and you’re not.

“Jack, you made a serious mistake when you told that joke in the staff meeting. It was crude and insulting. You know we don’t tolerate that around here.”

“You’ve got to be kidding! Everyone knew I was joking. Everyone was laughing! Besides, I’m not the only one who talks like that and you know it. I’m not taking the fall for this.”

“Stop arguing and just admit you made a mistake.”

“I’m not going to admit anything. You people are too sensitive. You’re always looking for a problem when there isn’t one. So I told a joke. It was funny. Get over it.”

“You people? Where are you going with this, Jack?”

Jack’s taking an error in judgment and escalating it to a problem of potentially damaging proportion.

“OK, so what was I supposed to do? I knew the conversation with my boss was getting out of control but I couldn’t seem to stop myself.”

Own your mistakes, whether they’re tactical or strategic, personal or professional. If you don’t step up, quickly and honestly, others will force you to, and it won’t be pretty.

“OK, I hear you, but what can I say?”

“I apologize and I’ll apologize to the people who were there. We were all laughing and story telling and I didn’t think. I learned a good lesson. A joke isn’t funny if it’s at someone’s expense.”

Your boss is likely to accept your statement and move on, unless you do it again. Trample on people’s rights, show disrespect, act with incivility, and no amount of quick talking apologizing will get you off the hook. Pay now or pay later. You choose.

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Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.

“Why?” we ask. “What do you want to accomplish?” 

Hesitation.

“I want them to work together better than they do now. They barely talk to each other, and when they do, it sounds more like sniping than conversation. Worse than that, they line up at my door, wanting me to solve their problems and settle their disputes, and I don’t have time for that. So, I thought I’d get you to do some team building with them. I don’t have to be there do I?”

A day of team building will be as effective as the manager is willing to participate, watch, listen, learn and lead. No gathering of individuals will automatically become a cohesive unit unless there is a compelling reason. “Because I want them to!”  isn’t reason enough.

If you want your team to work as a team, start by getting out there with them. Clarify the outcomes you want and why you want them. Be specific about what the deadlines are and how they’re connected to outcomes. Tell them who’s accountable for what and how you’re going to measure it. They need to know.

It’s your job to find out what they don’t know and what they need to know. You need to know the resources they’ll need and the resources that are available. You need to be accessible; not to solve their problems but to know what the problems are.

Team building exercises provide opportunities for participants to observe strengths and abilities in themselves and others that they would otherwise miss. Your challenge as their manager is to take that awareness from the off-site to the work-site. If you assume that every employee automatically carries that learning back to the office and applies it, you’ll be disappointed. It is your job, as their manager to make the connections, see what they miss, understand what they don’t, and clarify the differences again and again.

Evaluate your team. Do they share your vision for the future? Do they know you have a vision and that they play a part in it? Are each of them aware of the unique part they play?

Do team members trust each other to get their part of the job done? Do you trust them and they you? Do they believe that you are telling them the truth and communicating with them as responsible adults?

Do you hire the talent you need to get the job done? Are you doing more of the job than you ought because you fear that delegating will result in failure? Your failure?

Do you confront conflict as it happens, in a candid and considerate way? Do you know what the problems are because you can see them, as well as experience the fallout from them?

Bottom  line: Communicate goals, concretely. Communicate individual and team accountability, specifically. Manage obstacles to success, whether interpersonal, operational, or financial, fairly. Focus on results.

Get used to not having all the answers. You’re in this job to ask the right questions in a clear, efficient, and effective way. Your team has the answers.

A strong team has complementary strengths: interpersonal, problem solving, and technical. It’s not likely that each employee will possess all three. That’s the value and wisdom of  teamwork. That’s synergy. That’s what you might discover on a crisp day during an outdoor “team building” exercise. The challenge is discovering it on the job, and celebrating it when you do.

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Yes! You may use this article in your blog, newsletter or website as long as you include the following bio box:

Joyce Richman (www.richmanresources.com) has been specializing in executive and career coaching since 1982. She works in a variety of environments including: higher education, manufacturing, sales, marketing, media, technology, pharmaceuticals, medicine, banking and finance, service, IT, and non-profit sectors. A member of the adjunct faculty at the Center for Creative Leadership, Joyce is certified to administer a number of feedback and psychological instruments. Joyce is a weekly guest on WFMY-TV and the career columnist for The Greensboro News & Record. She is the author of Roads, Routes and Ruts: A Guidebook to Career Success and co-author of Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job. A popular speaker, Richman conducts conducted seminars and workshops throughout the United States, Canada and Europe. Her coaching profile can be found at TheCoachingAssociation.com.